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Frustrations

As I sit by the window sill,


Iam reminded of -

The beautiful childhood I had,

Of the beautiful relationship I had with my siblings,

Of all the times we spent building houses out of bedsheets,

Of the time we shared our puddings and chocolates,

Of the time when we giggled watching padosan,

Of the time when we held each other through tears of scoring low grades,

Of the time when we couldn't contain our joy of receiving our Christmas gifts,

Of the time when our parents held us close because I had a fever,

Of the times when our favourite meal was prepared so we could take a from veggies.



As I sit by the window sill,

Iam reminded of the -

Time when a war broke out,

Of the time when not knowing my dad would make it was an issue,

Of the time my mom wanted me to grow up overnight so I could worry alongside,

Of the time when I was pushed into a hostel life to make a brighter future,

Of the time when I cried wondering why I had to live a life without being in the arms of my parents,

Of the time when I had to get good marks to avoid being scolded by the warden,

Of the time when I loved being at school with friends,

Of the time I hated my life coz the hostel food sucked big time,

Of the time when meeting up with my guardian was the biggest deal,

Of the times when holidays were awaited so badly,

Of the time when deciding for a future didn't mean much,

Of the time when being with your family even for a day was the ultimate wish,

Of the beautiful vacations I had at my nana's home,

Of the times when I fell in love for the first time,

Of the time when that love made up for everything I missed with my family.



As I sit by the window sill,

Iam reminded -

Of the time I started my grad school,

Of the time when I rejoined my siblings and had the best 3 years of my life,

Of the time when I made new friends who brought so much into my life,

Of the time when we had to sit through boring chem classes,

Of the time when we had to sit through stinky chem lab experiments,

Of the time when we had to dissect a cockroach,

Of the time sitting with all those friends in the building compound chattering away,

Of the time when we burnt more than midnight oil to cram for our exam papers,

Of the times when we watched blockbusters at theaters,

Of the time we ate at indo Chinese restaurants every weekend with friends and family,

Of the time when I graduated and prepared for another major phase of my life.



As I sit by the window sill,Iam reminded -

Of the time when I came into this foreign land with hopes and dreams,

Of the time when i couldn't find a decent job,

Of the time when my parents frustration became my nightmare,

Of the time when landing a good job and a good husband became a bane of my life,

Of the time when my frustrations were killing my soul,

Of the time when I was forced to give up on my true love,

Of the time when I didn't find any form of support from anyone,

Of the time when I had to suddenly grow up and be the "Oh so Strong" woman who doesn't seem weak to anyone,

Of the time when my overweight body became a daily argument at home,

Of the time when I resort to instant gratification to keep myself from going insane,

Of the time when being rebellious in the worst form meant standing up for myself,

Of the time when I loved being at work and preferred not to have any social life,

Of the time when being at work for 14 hours daily was much better than being at home.



As I sit by my window sill,Iam reminded -

Of that one person who supported me with constant calls,

Of that one person who stood at a distance and just spoke to me for hours,

Of that one person who would listen to all my sob stories and still find me amusing,

Of that person who I didn't actual have any feelings for but still was there for me,

Of that person who begged me to marry him even though I refused for an entire year,

Of that person who stood outside my window for hours just to catch a glimpse of me,

Of the person who saw me crying by my window,

Of the time when I wanted to kill myself,

Of the time when I just wanted to go back to India and never be back,

Of the time when every rejection of a proposal meant being taunted for days over my bad looks and luck.



As I sit on my window sill,Iam reminded -

Of the biggest decision I made in my life,

Of the time I got married,

Of the time when my parents hit me for it,

Of the time when I was disowned for good,

Of the time when I decided to go on with my life,

Of the time when I had my first major surgery within months of getting married,

Of the time when I sat all alone at the hospital with no one by my side but my supportive husband,

Of the time when I started fertility treatments,

Of the time when my behaviour was getting erratic and depressive,

Of the time I would cut myself regularly to ease my pain,

Of the time when my relationship with my husband was hanging at the end of a very thin rope,

Of the time when depression ruled my life and I would think of suicide every passing moment,

Of the time when I didn't have my mom to confide in,

Of the time when I was told I could never be pregnant,

Of the time when I felt all alone for years because no one got me.



As I sit by my window sill, Iam reminded of -

Of the time when my husband helped me out through the worst phase of my life,

Of the time when he smiled through every bullshit I put him through,

Of the time he kept telling me and still does,that there is more to life than having a baby,

Of the time when we decided to live our life with happiness ,rather than crying over baby issues and money issues.



As I sit by the window sill,Iam reminded of -

Of the time when my siblings came back into my life,

Of the times when,even though, I felt things could never ever be the same ,I hung onto it to have at least what was left of family,

Of knowing that I have been named the bad sheep,

Of the time,when it dawned on my mind again,that nothing could ever be the same.



As I sit by my window sill,I realise -

I cannot be weak,

I cannot sweat over things like this and ruin my sanity,

I can train myself to be a better person,

I can put my foot every time I feel I'm not been respected,

I can stand through every deceptive relationship,

Every pity friendship,

I should demand and command respect and accept nothing less,

I can kick out people who come and go as they see fit and not care who they walk over at times,

That I'm me and I'm in this world for a purpose and its all up to me,

as to who replenishes my life and soul and who just maims it.

Comments

  1. this is one of your BESTEST posts ever Suzy the bestest best
    some lines were really sad, some told so much about your life - like an autobiography or a peep into your secret diary, some especially the last few lines inspiring,very much so

    ReplyDelete
  2. This post aroused a mixed emotions in me. At places I felt my eyes moisten and at places I found myself smiling.
    It did touch the depth of my heart. May be because: I could relate to a lot of struggles you quoted. And with one of those, I'm currently sailing against the storm. Things are all turning around as unexpected and I'm tired. But...

    "As I read these words of yours,
    I'm reminded of-
    The tougher times I've faced,
    with all the courage and perseverance.
    Of the feeling in me that said, I cannot be weak, And I should move on... And I will...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Suzyyyyyyyyyy... I wanted to hug you and cry with you when I read this. I love you darling for this....most intimate and beautifully written. and here...A BIG BEAR HUG. :-)). I have no words to tell ....love.

    ReplyDelete

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