Aug 7, 2013

My Limitations

I wake up everyday to my limitations.I know I cannot just dive into things and do them.So when I come out of my coma like sleep which usually comes in after 5 am in the night,I look at my body and start talking to my mind.

I tell my mind," I don't think it will be that difficult to make my bed and fold the blanket.Lets have a joint flexibility check !" Then I start my hand exercises...nay! They aren't closing down completely but maybe a little warm water soaking will open them up.Then I check my elbows,knees ,jaws and feet.Yup! I guess today wont be much of a problem.I get up,make my bed,brush my teeth,pray and have completed the first set of chores.

Then comes the cooking bit.Can I hold a potato in the palm of my hands and peel it? Can a hold a small piece of ginger and skin it? Can I cut the onions without using both my hands to dig it in? Finally done,its taken a while but I'm happy I did it on my own.

Then comes cleaning and everything that I set out to do,needs tons of breaks,tons of resting,tons of self soothing and calming.I have realised I have to love myself a lot despite all the limitations it gives me.It doesn't come very easily.

One can love themselves when they feel beautiful or vibrant or sexy or confident...but loving yourself when in so much pain,looking like a mess.Trying feeling sexy when your hands look like sausages,when you body crackles under pressure,when you are tired after walking a few feet,when you're body is screaming," Stop! Cant take more" but your mind wants to go further.

Many people think I'm being a drama queen when I complain a bit,many people think I do it for attention,many people think how much longer is she going to keep making the same excuses,many people think she looks totally fine to me...whats her problem,she ruining it for the rest of us !

I know how I feel when I cannot lift my sister's baby in my arms from the floor,or cannot run around and play with my nephews and nieces because it sucks the life out of me after some time.

Be considerate of people who have diseases not visible to the naked eye.My doctor pulled my hand straight to take blood and I let out this tiny little blood curdling scream telling him," I cannot straighten my hand or close my fist,I'm arthritic and In severe pain."He was sorry coz he felt I looked like a healthy 35 yr old.I think this will make him considerate towards many patients who present their folded,curvy hands and he will know there might be a problem here.

My mom in her mid 60s is way stronger than me and to see them upset and wondering what alien virus has attacked their daughter.I have learnt from experience,its better to educate people on what problems you have,so that they can at least be considerate when you are the moving snail in the race of life.

And I know,not being afraid to show your weak side and still being strong to pull through will earn you respect in your own eyes and in the eyes of others.Just typing all this has made my hands stiff but I will not ( as long as I can that is) stop doing the things I love like drawing,blogging,cooking and keeping my man happy as much as I can.
The fact that he thinks I'm strong and shows no mercy when it comes to certain things.He will push me to do things to a certain limit,so I know there are new boundaries to my limits everyday.The fact that when I cant,he changes into this soulful housewife and does everything and cheers me on and makes me laugh,is the only reason I find the will to push forward everyday even though my body refuses.

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