Jan 13, 2014

Funny Gender Differences Joke

Funny Gender Differences Joke - humorsharing.com

1. Rules: The female makes the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No male can possibly know all the rules. If the female suspects the male knows the rules, she must immediately change the rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The female may change her mind at any time. The male must never change his mind without the written consent of the female. The female has the right to be upset or angry at any time. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset. If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void. The male is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly. Any attempt to document the rules could result in actual bodily harm. 
The male who doesn’t abide by the rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.  

2. Nicknames: If Eva, Susanne, Juliet and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Eva, Susanne, Juliet and Michelle.
 But if John, Mike, Tom and Ed go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

3. Understanding: Only a woman can understand: Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. Crying can be fun. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND: OTHER WOMEN!

4. Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Tesco. 
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

5. Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. Humor: Women don’t enjoy humor that makes fun of others’ physical shortcomings. By contrast, men make fun of just about everyone. Women don’t tell jokes – they tell stories.

7. Eating out: When the bill arrives, Stewart, Billy and Jack will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

8. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. 
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

9. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. 
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

10. Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. 
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

11. Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. 
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day – lifelong.

12. Confidence: Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

13. Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

14. Temperature: Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

15. Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

16. How to Please Another:
 How to Please a Woman: Follow this advice if you wish to impress your girlfriend. Compliment her; respect her; honor her; cuddle her; caress her; love her; kiss her; stroke her; buy things for her; tease her; comfort her; protect her; hug her; hold her; spend money on her; wine and dine her; listen to her; care for her; stand by her; support her; hold her.
 How to Please a Man: Follow this advice if you wish to impress your boyfriends. Show up naked; Bring beer.

17. Marriage: When you marry your miss right, remember her first name is “always”. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

18. Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

19. Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some shorties living in the house.

20. Memory: Women that are over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. But young women remember everything, men forget everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.

21. Menopause: With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

22. Difference in Guidelines to Deal with Eachother: 
Women’s Guide on how to deal with men: A man’s mind is too little to wander out alone for long. A neat and spotless housework has never been the reason why men have ever loved women, so leave the chores then and there. Bachelor is the man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. There are as many reasons as there are men for not sleeping with them. When your boyfriend walks out on you, shut the door. Women never make fools of men. They are mostly do-it-yourself types. You can change a man, only if he is in diapers. Younger men are just fine. Men never mature anyway. 
Men’s recomendations to women: Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving. When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine. What do you mean, “leering?” She’s obstructing my view. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is heading for the slip road, saying, ‘Oh, this is our exit, dearest,’ is not really necessary. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appal myself. “Sports Report” starts at 5pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your mother. If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at work? You probably don’t want to know what I’m thinking about. Never buy a “new” brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’

23. Emotions: Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” 
Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

24. Getting Rid of another: Getting rid of a woman is easy, tell her to get lost and she’ll be gone. 
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25. His and her Road Trips: 
Hers: Pulls off at wrong exit. Opens window. Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer. Arrives at destination presently. 

His: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air. Pulls up to a 7 -11. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer. Curses the night. Curses you. Curses the large slurpee. Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. He had to look up pernicious. Couldn’t find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary. Couldn’t spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all. But she is laughing inside.. And of course he is still lost.

26. Defined by Gender:
 VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
 Male: Playing football without a helmet. 

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. 
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. 
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 

BUTT (but) n 
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. 

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
 Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend. 

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. 

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. 
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. 

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
 Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
 Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
 Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

27. Age: Women think they look 20 by skin, 18 by hair and 25 by figure. Mmen think they should add them up 20+18+25.

28. Excuse for date: She would be busy washing her hair. He has to buy you gifts.

29. Interpretation: 
Girl Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” 

Girl Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

Girl Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. 

Girl Translated: “I have no idea how it works.” 

Girl Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” “

 Girl Translated: “Are you still talking?” 

Girl Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday.” 

Girl Translated: “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.” 

 Girl Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.” 

Guy: “I CAN’T FIND IT.” 
Girl Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” 

Girl Translated: “What did you catch me at?” 

Girl Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

 Girl Translated: “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

30. Comparison of what women want in men and what they get:

Ideal Traits In Men For Women                                What It Means In Reality

Artistic                                                                             Is able to find matching socks.

Athletic                                                                           Can get up to get his own seconds.

Classy                                                                            Puts back his Playboy in the hidden drawer.

Communicates well                                                   Answers phone.

Considerate                                                                Has learned to splatter less and leave                                                                                              seat up sometimes.

Faithful                                                                          Would let you know of his flings.

Hopelessly romantic                                                 Will remember to buy roses for you.

Intellectual                                                                    Reads ‘Playboy’.

Interested in women who have brains                 Has learned to look to the face of the                                                                                         women sometimes while talking to                                                                                                 her instead of her chest.

Loves kids and pets                                                Will not throw away a crying kid and                                                                                             had a snake once.

Sensitive                                                                    Acknowledges the fact that you are                                                                                                  crying.

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