May 1, 2018

Silent RA

Sometimes I just want to scream out loud...
sometimes I want to know if anyone can really see me...
Sometimes the pain is too much to bear...
As my body shows no signs of repair.

It's not fair I kept thinking every night in bed...
what has life wanted but haven't said?
I crave for love from my own...
But they have failed miserably
And left me alone.

I was brought into this world with love and wantedness
But the very same could care any less.
I sought to love with my man...
And my family put my existence on a ban.

And as if that was not enough abuse...
Life gave me more challenges to accuse.
It told me you are strong and brave...
You will but only crave.

So now after decades of this so-called life...
I'm but an empty hole inside.
Now I battle with myself everyday...
Wondering what is all this trouble and struggle going to pay...

..................................................................................
 I didn't complete my poem that day. My husband came in and I had to serve lunch. Actually, I'm glad I didn't complete it. Maybe this will serve me as a reminder. A reminder that everytime I hit rock bottom, I manage to dig myself out, all on my own.

I had not been feeling well for over a month. A regular cough and a bad chest infection had been driving me crazy. Plus recovering from it made my Rheumatoid arthritis worse. I was in pain 24/7 and always stiff. I couldn't speak it out to my husband as he has heard it a whole lot of times, me talking about my pain and complaining of loneliness. and he is now almost immune to it. That makes it worse for me, as I seek support and don't always get it. Which means I have to manage my suicidal thoughts and try to get out of it on my own.

Anyways, I spent a day with my nephew and sister at home and repeated my craziness and story. She at least has the decency to keep quiet while I vent out and once I'm done ranting, I'm good.

The very few things that cheer me up are beaches and children who are super excited to see me.

Anyone out there going through pain or feeling down, remember all this will pass. These thoughts these feelings...it will all pass. Give yourself a chance to resolve it. It might seem like the end of the world at times but then comes a new day. I always tell myself that It's hurting today, in a week the pain will subside a bit and I will be normal again. This fatigue and stiffness will pass. I tell myself, if I can bear this much pain and go through life like a normal person, I can definitely get over these negative feelings and seek positivity or some form of sanity as well. I tell myself Im strong. I tell myself Im the captain of my broken ship but I can definitely sail through these waters I can repair myself to some extent to stay afloat. If no one is there for me, I can sit and talk to God. I'm not ashamed or feel weird to cry and talk to God. I tell him he hasn't done justice to my life and then I can hear it...in my mind.."Sweetheart, I love your voice when you call out to me. I will set things right but I need you to have faith. Don't shake that faith off. This is happening for a reason and you will see why, when the time comes."

So don't lose hope. I was down in the dumps for a month. Contemplating the forbidden. But then the sun shone through and I was lifted from that dark space. Tell yourself you are strong. I tell myself this when I have no energy to even sit straight in a chair.

Look in the mirror...

Repeat...

I'm a strong woman. I'm brave. I can do this. I have seen worse, this cant be that tough. You are better than the way you feel.

Then I get up and go about my day. Not a single soul ever gets to see me at my weakest point. Everyone I know says the same thing...You are a strong woman. You can handle so much. MAy God give you more strength!  But deep inside I want to held n arms, held close to someone who kisses me a million times and says baby, I'm there for you. Its ok to cry. its ok to be less brave. Anyways, I'm okay. Everyone cannot feel bad and sad for you everytime you have an episode. It's my silent war with myself, my mind.


















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