Visiting nightmares

Have you been to this friend's home,and within half an hour of your visit wondered,"Why did I ever come here in the first place !" It happens to me once in a while and those casual visits are the worst moments I hate even thinking about.Usually,I tell my husband,can we just put it off,can we meet with them some other time?


You meet with these people,coz you have to and then after exchanging 'hi's' and 'hellos',and asking how are they and their entire family,you go quiet and wonder what do I say next? What topic can I start discussing before I turn into this smiling zombie saying yes and no ! It is the worst hour one can spend.I always imagine that boring people make the perfect suicide bombers.Drop them among a group of people you hate and then within the hour,you will see people dropping dead,one by one.

For a couple of years ,I would sit through it with this glaze on my eyes.It was like I could see them but my tongue and body was frozen.Nothing sensible would come out and before I realised so,I began yawning beyond control,that one tear would well up and sit in the corner of my eye and I would try hard not to blink,so that it didnt roll down my cheek.

What do say other than,"So,what else is new?" When people ask this question,its a done deal that this visit is becoming a sourpuss.When I have nothing to contribute,I switch to asking,how are the kids faring,or how are your folks back home and when Im done asking how each and everyone from one end to the very last standing grandma...I know this is it..!

Not that Im perfect.I can be boring too.When Im tired or ill,I cannot masquerade.But thats rarely.I cannot be the only person making an effort,ek haath se thali nahi bajthi,right ! So can no one save a one sided conversation.

I dont understand how can people be 'boring'.Over the years I have learnt a few tricks to avoid such sticky situations.I dont like sitting in a place,where the hosts are talking among themselves and all you can do is sit and wonder if they even live together coz its just now,they remember all these things to delight one another or remind each other.When I visit a friend's home,my husband and I go our separate ways.After my polite "how are you?" "Bhalo bhashi",huggin girlfriends and air kissing them thrice, We ladies move on to the kitchen or bedroom or wherever we can find a private space and begin within the daily doordarshan service.Amidst all the crazy children running around you,screaming "aunty aunty",we always can hear each other and continue talking in the noise.

The men can catch up with their yakking and so can we.I even have these signals or signs I tell my husband,that if you find me doing this,and you wanna leave as well,Move it ! After all these years,I know where my husband is comfortable or Im and where we aren't.If I know my hubby is having a good time while Im picking on my imaginary shotgun to shoot myself in the head,I dont bug him.I let him be and have fun.I can always take the bullet coz I know he will do the same for me.I used to be initially but am not now,that chipku wife.I know we have separate likes and dislikes and are respectful of both.Giving each other space is very important which every couple learns, over the years ,eventually.

My girlfriends are quite frank that we tell each other on the face that we are bored and to avoid torturous moments,we immediately set out to the beach or garden or malls or just about anywhere.We are at home day in and out,taking care of our families,cooking twice a day sometimes,cleaning,basically running the house 24/7,that one day of your weekend,is absolutely necessary to vent it out.
 
On an odd note,Reading the heading visiting nightmare,I watched this horror flick" Shutter" and AT 7am in the morning,I found myself scared to look into the mirror,thinking what if I saw that crazy Japanese chick !

Racing through life !

As you grow into this world,we learn that ambition is very important.Striving to do more and expect more of life,an important characteristic of a person who will fare well in life.I was talking to someone and this topic just hit me.

That is the one thing I never was.My folks thought it was weird for me for not going paranoid searching for jobs and not crying over it.They thought,and many others did,that I had it easy coz my parents were supporting me while I was being jobless.What am I suppose to do if I hadnt got the job or didnt nail the interview? I was not the kind who cried and boohooed over stuff like this.As long as I dont have to resort to sleeping on the sidewalks or begging,I thought it was okay.I need not be crying.But people thought this was odd.WHy wasnt I going nuts,or being frustated or being depressed? I was young,marriage was not in the books and I just wanted to walk through it,calm and quiet and hoping it would eventually come to me.

I never give a second thought to money.If life becomes difficult,I will adjust,I can always do something about it.Ask any person in this world,money has not brought emotional happiness to anyone.One who has little,is working their butt of for more.One who has a lot,is still working to make more.Noone is happy in this world.It is human nature not to be happy with what we have.We always wish for a little more.Nothing isnt enough.We arent grateful or thankful for anything.Money makes life easy,money isnt life though.Im what my heart is,Im not what my clothes,cars and bank balance says.

I remember waking up at 6 in the morning,getting dressed,taking my qualifications in a folder and getting into a local bus and then on ,to the destined address for an interview.Sometimes i would change 2 buses,sometimes 3,walk in this heat,to a entirely new place,scared to the brink,where I would wait to be called upon for the interview.I had my share of struggle but didnt go beserk or found it heart breaking.Sometimes it was positive,but mostly,it was 'We will let you know in a couple of days'.

A year before this,I had gone through the worst unimaginable nightmare of anyone's life.I had nobody to count on except a couple of friends who stood by me throughout that long devastation.The lesson I learnt out of it all, was when things went bad,you can count only on yourself and you alone.And nothing is worth more in life than having peace of mind.Money is the last thing.So as long as I didnt have to move into the streets,I wouldnt go crying over something like failing a job interview or not finding "the job".

So many people,they go into depression and cry their eyes out.They feel useless and ruin not only their own minds but of everyone around.I remember going to church and standing in front of the grotto and asking God to give me a job,so my parents would get off my back and I could find peace of mind somewhere in all this mess.Everyone wants that great paying job,they struggle day in and out and work their asses off.And years go by and life comes to an end.I know one does have to work for their families, for a better lifestyle and prove themselves worthy in the eyes of everyone around them.I get that,I really do
Money,money,ruthba,bangla ,gaadi.......No sukoon,no life ! Simple as that.

When we got married,I was worried how will we make ends meet,how will we support my inlaws and their lifestyle and then our own homes.How ,how ,how??? To such an extent,that I couldnt sleep well at night and wondering about this future.In this mad race for saving for the future,My present was rushing away like those rapids of water.

What are we working for? To own a house,to send our children to wonderful schools,to wear branded clothes,to have cars,to eat great food at great restaurants,save something for when we are old and cant work anymore.Right ! Meanwhile,we have no time to take our kids out,we dont find time for each other,we have no time to have friends around,we are burned out all the time.Even when taking a vacation,we are counting the money,the days and for each and everything.We are still not at peace.

Im not saying why work like this...Im saying why not appreciate life as we make it along the way.Be happy with what is there in the present instead of burning out for the future.I have friends who own companies and they have struggle to spend a single day out to spend with their families.They usually talking over the phone with their clients even then,discussing jobs and cant wait to go home and catch up on some sleep ,so they can slog through their coming entire week.While I have some friends,who manage their home and business very well.The philosophy being,this time,this "now" will go by just once and never come back.They have realised that nothing was worth missing out on than seeing your family blossom in love.

I remember telling a friend,they are 5 now and will be just this once.Take all the love you can from them,coz once they grow out,you cannot run around asking for hugs and kisses.You will miss out on the very thing you work for and live for.

Havent you heard an elderly in your house say,"I have no idea how my life went? I worked and slogged all my life and cannot pin point a single joyous moment.Ahh! The time I had my babies ." Or they will pinpoint that moment when my children did this or that,when something bad happened or when someone died or when someone did this something special for me and of course the childhood.Their advice will always be,beta,dont go through life like a bullet train.Live your life,look at me..I dont know how it passed by! People never forget their childood.Why? Because they lived it with love and fun in their heart.They didnt compete for anything but just lived.

Im told by my brother,Im not very serious with life.Im living the life that I and trillion others wish for.So what if Im at the beach,if I want to slow dance and make my friends do the same with me and have a good laugh over it.So what if my niece says,I want to twirl like a princess in the middle of this happening mall,I tell her go ahead and do so.No one can stop you.So what if I want to sit on a merry go around and clap as Im riding my horse.I dont care if I look silly,I want to live in this" now" coz this wont come again tomorrow.I keep in touch with my friends regularly and we generally offer an outlet to each other's crazy pressure cooker life.Im depressed and I call my friends and brighten my day.Each of us are completely different by nature but we all understand,that good friends see beyond matching wavelengths and money or anything else.I dont want to fret myself silly over things,but I want to make this ride of life,easy on the legs and heart and mind.When Im bored,I cook,I call up my friends,speak to their kids.When im sad,I pray and know in my heart,God will guide me through it.f I do my hard work,I know the answer to it is just round the corner.

Live just once...live it well.

Good service - Hospitality

When you go to a new country,out of the many things,one always wonders how hospitable people out here are.When people enter your household as guests,a certain code is followed.What is this code?


Someone put forward this question to me recently as to why when you visit someone,some go out of their way to welcome you.

Showing hospitality is showing respect to the people who grace your home.When someone comes home,its respectful to ask for water or something to drink .When I was newly married,the idea of inviting people over,brought so much stress and anxiety that I would be all nervous and clenched up.Though my husband helped me out with cooking and guiding me through it (coz ,I had not learnt any cooking at all)I felt strung out,wondering what will they say about me,my food and my manners.I insisted they would keep it very simple when we came over.

Thanks to my husband,over the years,I have changed my thinking and attitude.Instead of thinking someone was showing off how good they were,I learnt it was all about showing love,giving respect and actually potraying what you have learnt over the years on your own and from your family.

My mom was an excellent hostess.She cooked these absolutely to die for meals ,especially when we entertained friends.She put out the best chinaware,she cooked what she thought people would immediately dive into and was calm and poised eventhough she had been slogging for hours.I used to wonder why? But as a wife,now I know.

When Im at a good friend's place or when they drop by,even when we are on our own,we make it a point to serve tea and snacks before sitting down to catch up on gossip.IF not some cold drinks and whatever can be served as hor d'ourves.I find this a gracious act and feel Im welcome.

In many cultures,having guests and entertaining them is a great deal.The well known hospitable people in the world are the pathans.The saying "Athithi devo bhava" is self explanatory as to how even in Indian culture,we are to respect our guests,honour their presence and make the bonds strong by being generous and kind.Even the arabs are well known for their hospitality bestowed on anyone entering their homes.MAking someone feel as if they were a part of their home is the common idealogy behind it all.

It shows what kind of a person we basically are.How well we treat our guests,reflects on the kind of person we are.It is a highly admired virtue to have.It took me years to change my concept of thinking and for some well received advice from various aunties and good friends.

Of course,they are times,when people take advantage of your generosity.It has happened to me several times but even then ,I dont mind unless it becomes too obvious to ignore.Then I let go of my kind side and 'I shall not divulge on my secret here'.My husband doesnt approve of it at all but kabhi maza chakana bhi ,mazedaar hota hai.

What is the definition of beauty ???

An eternal query since time itself.Everything has to be labeled.This kid is cute,his wife is gorgeous,her husband is yummy,this actor is sexy,that actress exudes hotness in all glory and what not !

We are obsessed with beauty,no matter,how much we say,I aint into all this ,Im simple and blah blah...but secretly we are.We always want to look good,we always stare at the mirror to see if we have become fairer or blemish free or pimple filled or dark,etc the list goes on.If you thought Im not self obsessed,wrong ! We are.So this got me researching online a bit about what was the ideal definition of beauty various cultures.

The western world is obsessed with tanned skin,brown skin.Look at the way they go these tanning parlours and get spray tans whic actually look abnormal.An american woman asked my mom long back,"How can I get colour like yours." To which My mom said," try applying coconut oil when going out and sit in the SUn.

PAle skin,like today,was considered to be a fad among higher class.Because tanned skin or dark skin meant,people who are farmers,people who had to slog to make a living.Hmmm........

We out here will go to any lengths to get fair or even paler and they want to have sun kissed colour like ours.The array of tanning oils I see in the market to get copperish tones or bronzer shades,My! they buy bottles of them,apply and go to the beach in swimwear ,ready to get baked in the sun.While we apply,fairness creams and face washes,milk and what not to get "whiter".

Present day concept of beauty - Size zero,Pouty lips,big eyes,hour glass figure,good ass(no ass is out of fashion),any colour hair but black,nude lipsticks,pink cheeks,big bust,long waist,etc.Before people were divided into 2 plain categories - fat or thin.Now you have waif -like,slender,thin,perfect,overweight,chubby,obese,morbidly obese,side fat,back fat,tummy fat, thigh fat,cellulite,cankles,the list goes on and on.

So I decided to check out topics here and thereand see what beauty meant back then and where we are going now.

The first thing I came across was this waist to hip ratio(WHR).This value is calculated by dividing the waist circumference by the hip circumference.Example: 63 cm of waist circumference by 90 cm of hip circumference whiche makes 0.7.It does not matter whether a person is fat or slender, the ideal relation should approximate 0.7.According to theory the middle figure with a WHR of 0.7 should be most attractive.

Then I kept the keyboard aside and went digging for my measuring tape and the result werent very appealing.Im a 0.8+,and this means I have no attractiveness.Boohoo ! In spite of their different weight classes the beauty icons Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren and Kate Moss, all had at least one thing in common - a WHR of about 0.7.

In the 18th century Im guessing,being fat was a status symbol. I mean a chubby person meant a girl from a rich background.I would have loved to be a part of that society,I would have been the Naomi Campbell of those times.

In the late 1400s,small breasts were ideal and today,dont ask...the size which a human skeleton cannot uphold, is the fad.

In the west,in 1920s,boylike figure was considered beautiful and then in the 1950s,a tiny waist came into fashion.I think in India a full figure has always been a sign of beauty until recent times.Thanks to KAreena Kapoor and Katrina KAif,who promote such stick like figures.

From the 16-th century a tight waist was stressed by the fashion. The corsage was invented and allowed the so-called "wasp's waist" by stringing the corsage tightly. It was followed by the corset, which remained in vogue till late 19-th century. The corsets came in to promote an hour glass figure.

I personally think that Sridevi in her hay days,Sonali bendre,Shilpa shetty,Zeenat Aman,they have good full figures.Indian literature has very rare description of what beauty was back then,they rather describe a woman with Large hips, thin waists, breasts of large size and globular in shape, and lotus petal eyes to be the ideal concept of beauty.The poets of South India give us some details like 'skin like gold', and 'the darkness of black full tresses', as well as the make up that produced 'black-rimmed eyes' and a 'mouth red as coral.The same colours appear in the cave paintings of sites like Ajanta.

A poem goes describing a beautiful woman as :

A face to rival the moon,

Eyes that make mockery of lotuses,

Complexion eclipsing gold's lustre,

Thick tresses that shame the black bee,

Breasts like elephant's swelling temples,

Heavy hips,

A voice enchanting and soft -

The adornment in maidens is natural

The Shringarashata of Bhartihari.

Corsetting back then literally damaged the woman 's body coz they restricted the organs within the frame of the corset.Breathing was impaired and I think it was ridiculous as women were forced to obsess over it to maintain the fashion standards of their times.The test is not a fair test as women did not simply lace immediately to a 16 inch waist, they trained the waist over a period of years.I had a 16 inch waist when I was 8 years old.Over 2 years a 22 inch waist can be gradually reduced to a handspan by gradual increments of the lacing. It would take about a year of not wearing a corset for the internal organs to settle back to the natural position. But back they would go.

Recent medical examinations of females corseted today in actual Victorian corsets show how the women had no energy and lacked breath when given lung tests. Once the corset was undone the women felt energised again. Corseting has existed for thousands of years. The first recorded corset came from Crete.

Ancient chinese considered extremely thin,almost sickly looking women beautiful with feet bound to appear tiny or baby like.OOuch !

But later they changed their concept to voluptous women looking beautiful.

Even In Japan,long faces ,thin eyes and protuding chins were considered beautiful in their ancient times and later on it too,changed to healthy buxom women.All this makes some question how there can be such different standards in society concerning women’s beauty. Women tend to find themselves in a trap that makes them eager to fit themselves into the mould of ‘the beautiful woman’—a standard set by the social trends of the time.

In different cultures, parts of the body may be purposefully exaggerated in the name of beauty, the effects of which might even seem grotesque to those of another culture. For example, various tribes throughout the world use different methods to lengthen necks, exaggerate mouths, ears and even the shape of the head.

Have you ever seen pictures of the Ancient Egyptians, with their painted faces? They look very striking, don’t they? Very classic. And that was the intent. It was extremely important to them that they looked and smelled good, because the old expression “cleanliness is next to Godliness” is that old – they believed it very strongly.

The Egyptians were very spiritual people, and believed their appearance was directly related to their level of spirituality. And so they needed to find ways to make themselves look at least presentable, if not fabulous.

Cosmetics the Ancient Egyptians used were eye makeup, face creams and body oils, as well as a wide array of perfumes and fragrances.

Well, it’s the old story of “necessity is the mother of invention”. Because there was so much emphasis on looking good, Egyptian women had to find a way to do it. And one of the things they came up with was something called mesdemet.

Mesdemet was made of copper and lead ore – not the safest thing to be constantly putting on your face, but it did the job. They applied green to their lower eyelids, then black or dark gray to their eyelashes and upper eyelids. And keeping with their spiritual beliefs, the dark colors were designed not only to enhance their appearance, but to ward off evil eyes.

Now how’s this for a combination: burnt almonds, oxidized copper, a couple of different-colored copper ores, lead, ash, and ochre. They called it kohl, and it came out as a dark-colored powder, which was applied with a small stick, on and around the eyes, in an almond shape. Then, to complement the fancy eye makeup, they applied a mixture of red clay and water to their lips and cheeks. And the nails weren’t left out, either. They used henna to dye them orange or yellow. Quite a colorful picture, don’t you think? But that’s exactly what they wanted back then – something like today, perhaps?

As time progressed, through invasions and migrations, cultures merged, and that had a profound effect on the value of cosmetics.The Greeks adopted this cosmetic knowledge and made it their own.But their use of cosmetics was predominantly for pleasing each other.Then the Romans came in and they too adopted these cosmetic practices for themselves to such an extent that a woman without makeup was,like food without salt.The Romans’ lifestyle definitely had no boundaries, and that included the source of their cosmetics. For example, they used fat from a sheep, mixed with blood, for nail polish.

Thats all I can search and write about.Its been interesting to know that trying to appear beautiful has been an oldest tradition of all.