Parenting Styles

There are handbooks out there that give you tips on how to deal with your children and how to be better parents,the kind the kids will not take advantage of and still be appreciative of you being there for them.Everyone thinks that they are a very hands on kind of parents but its not you who can spot your own mistakes.Eventually the outcome of your kids behaviour which becomes apparent to everyone around, and so the embarrassment and wondering where did I go wrong.

My parents were a mix of a lot of styles but being passive.Their idea was,lets not let them go to the point where they will land up making mistakes.I took care of my teenage brother and sister while coming out of my teenage hood and trust me,with no parents around,it was very very difficult.It did pay off in the end.The secret being letting them come out of their own problems by guiding them verbally now and then.When you are a teenage,you will not live by other's experiences but truly want to make those mistakes and see for yourself.Our minds are going haywire and we feel we have the right to jump head on into craziness.

Anyways,I think,the way we guide them as small kids,is the key to making them the people they are.Its not an exact science but come on,it comes with practice and when they are small,you can see the end results and still have the time to correct your wrongs and make it right.
Parents usually,at least the ones I come across,say,there is time,they are still very small.I can correct them,let them at least be smart enough to understand their environment.A 2 yr old throws temper tantrums.Why? Your phone is ringing and they are screaming their heads off to hold the phone ,just at that time.They are faking their cries,coz they know at some point,you tend to give up and hand them the phone.Your child knows what buttons to press,unknowingly but they do,if I'm going to lie down on the floor and beat my hands and legs,they will just hand it over.So its never too early to teach your kids.

I got this article in some online newspaper and It is well written with the proper good points.Hope its of some help to you parents.
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What's your style of parenting?



http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/parenting/Whats-your-style-of-parenting/articleshow/6042952.cms

Do you pride yourself as one of those new age parents, indulgent yet strict as per the needs of the situation? Do you worry endlessly and even stays up till your kid get home from a night out with friends? Are you constantly going through your child's belongings - cupboard, books, online profile, SMSes, etc? Do you always tell your child what to do and what not to just to 'keep them safe'?

All parents have their own style of parenting - their way of bringing up their children. According to Bela Raja, child guidance counsellor, one's parenting style, if negative, can have an adverse effect on the psyche of the child even to the point of causing damage. "A good style of parenting is one where parents respect the needs and emotions of their child as much as the child respects the parents. It's also important for parents to encourage the development of the child's self-esteem. They need to teach him/her to feel good about themselves. Moreover, no matter how silly or insignificant it may seem, a child's concerns have to be addressed, even if it's just the fear of entering a room alone," she says.

Bela adds that since the child's first social interaction is with the parents, the style of interaction used here will have a significant bearing on the child as a grownup. TV anchor Mini Mathur, mother of seven-year-old Vivaan opines that she is a moderate parent. "I guard against being over protective so that he learns to fight his own battles. For now I am playing the role of a guide, protector in the hope that he learns to be independent and take his own decisions as an adult," she explains. And though at times she does get 'extremely over-indulgent', she is also the disciplinarian in the family.

"Kabir is the indulgent, knowledge imparting, fun type of parent, so the task of balancing things out and keeping Vivaan in check is left to me. Thankfully he's growing up to be a well balanced, sensitive and grounded kid, so I guess I'm doing something right somewhere," she says.
If you're worried that your college going kid is splurging too much on clothes or shoes, this behaviour could be the result of you saying no to them every time as kids or if your child hesitates to take any decision on his own, it could be the result of you being an over-protective or dominating parent in their younger days or if people complain that your child is overly arrogant and rude, it could be because you did not correct these faults in his/her childhood itself.
Here are some parenting styles and what the potential outcome could be like:

Over-protective parents: Leads to clingy adults

A child growing under overprotective parents faces severe detachment problems as an adult. If you don't let him/her face life in all its shades, they will grow up to be excessively dependent, weak and seek help for trivial matters.

TIP: Such behaviour can restrict your child's emotional intelligence. Give them an opportunity to explore the world without constant interference.

Suspicious parents: Leads to lying, distrustful adults

It's okay to keep a check on your child, but overdoing it can hamper their trust instinct. The child will then panic at the sight of your call or message. To save face, they may even resort to lying. Over suspicious parents envision fear by putting this fear in their child, they raise suspicious adults with low confidence.

TIP: If you have an excessive urge to check on your kids, have a frank talk with them and look for a solution. For instance, they can call you every time they reach their friend's house, instead of the other way round.

Abusive parents: Leads to an extreme personality

It's all right to point out your child's mistakes, but use of emotional or physical violence can scar them for life. Abusive parents permanently damage their child's cognitive development leading to low self-esteem and confidence. Such children grow up to be extreme personalities - a total rebel or a doormat.

TIP: Identify the first signs of losing your temper.
See if it's the way your child talks or their mistakes that annoys you. Take precautions at this very stage.

Pushy parents: Leads to suicidal adults

Pushy parents who want their kids to be winners all the time ,put kids under extreme pressure leading to nervous breakdowns or even suicidal tendencies. Such parents find it hard to digest failure and they crush the child's personality. Even as an adult, such kids strive to conform to others expectations, which, when unfulfilled, will create a feeling of worthlessness.

TIP: Share positive feelings with your children. Encourage kids even if they don't win a competition.

Comparing parents: Leads to a show off

Parents, who don't empathise with their child are quick to deform their child's personality. This leads to adults who harbour excessive feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem and self-pity.

TIP: Even if you disagree with your child, use positivity. Avoid comparing siblings and phrases that hurt.

Passive parents: Leads to arrogant adults

Parents, who don't participate in their child's activities or those who feel too sorry for being hard on their child, turn them into difficult adults. Such parents are often unable to say 'no' and the child grows up to be an overconfident person, who cannot accept mistake or accept criticism positively.

TIP: Spend quality time with your kids. Do things together, such as painting, story telling, going to the park, etc. In case they make a mistake, point it out gently. Do not give in to your child's whining, crying or temper tantrum, as it only reinforces the behaviour.

Christmas

Christmas,as everyone knows the world around,Is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.We know that.But I'm not going the discuss any religious aspect of this festival,but rather talk about the traditions behind it.To be more specific,the traditions that I grew up,until I married my husband and converted to Islam.

Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special day spent in the warm circle of family and friends."


~ Margaret Thatcher (1925- ), English political leader.


Like I said,Its still not about religion.Its about those wonderful red and green memories,those rituals we followed year after year.Some we looked forward to and some,the clashes of the drunk,we would dread.

As November would come to an end,we 3 knew,that the season to be jolly was coming near.And just the thought of it,brought so excitement,got us all keyed up.December 5th was the D day when my dad pulled out the Christmas tree from the recesses of the kitchen store.When he pulled the tree out,we 3 chuckled at the sight of it being unwrapped.

My mom would announce,"It is time for those letters.Remember,Santa Claus expects a handwritten letter that is legible,with more or less good grammar.Don't forget to write why you deserve them."This was a difficult thing to do coz within one week,it had to be posted to the North pole in the name of Santa and it was time consuming.All the playtime was used up writing this letter.But it was done with happiness.I drew stars,flowers,put up stickers if I had any,kissed them a 100 times,it was to impress Santa,so he would buy each and everything I asked for.

I didn't ask for much.It was Sri Devi's outfits,long black hair,the most wonderful dress for myself,drawing books,a trip around the world with Santa and his reindeer's,a chocolate bar that never finished,no matter how much you ate of it,Story books with tons of illustrations ,for my gifts to be bigger than my brother's and sister's and to wake me up when he was leaving the presents by our windows.
Why did I deserve any of it? Coz I'm the oldest of my siblings,I never lie( yeah right !) ,I'm a good girl ( my mom would laugh at this ),I ate all my greens ( after being beaten with a ruler) and for praying ( coz everyone in my row had closed their eyes and folded their hands in prayer).How would he know? I live in a desert and he lives surrounded by snow.My friends had told,he couldn't bear the heat after living in small cottage in the North pole.

Yeah ! I was Ms goody two shoes.I knew I was bound to get my gifts coz he wouldn't be unfair by giving me nothing.Besides,last year I beat my brother up so many times and I still got my presents.Evil child....you have no idea.

He would hand all 3 of us ornaments and one at a time,in coming days,we would hang them and decorate the tree eventually.After that,come every Friday,we woke up to Boney M's Christmas songs and many other christmasy songs.We woke up without being yanked out of bed.

Then came the turn of making Christmas sweets.These are unique sweets which are made only during the month of December by mangaloreans.And as the tradition goes,sweet making is completed by December 23rd and then a little bit of every sweet was decorated in a plate and we would go to every friend's and relatives home and hand them these trays,wishing them and inviting them to our homes.It was a beautiful tradition which brought friends and family much closer than one would think.Kidiyos,kulkuls,kookisa,newriyo - all this is called Kuswar.

Come D-day,people made the effort to visit every friend or relative they cherished,even if it was half an hour ,and back then, most of them had no cars.People didn't mind spending a little extra because in the end it was to make others and ourselves happy.There would be dancing,drinking,so much of merry making,people were bringing gifts,chocolates were overflowing,people laughing,hugging,feeding,eating,singing.It was that one time of the year,when no one felt too busy or got stingy.

I miss those days now and I wonder what do I do to keep these traditions living.Everyone seems busy,cannot spare the time or do something on the day coz its too much work and money.I think when you think about expenses and time consumed,you actually are not looking at the entire thing right.You aren't thinking about others but just yourself.And this is how the spirit of Christmas or any other festival dies when all one thinks ,is about oneself.

So to all out there.Festival is a time to create love and spread it.Don't expect something.Make new traditions,keep great old ones alive for ourselves and for our kids.Let them be a part of it and continue this with their families later on.I don't celebrate Christmas anymore but this tradition of my parents, if not in reality,is always celebrated in my heart.I live my Christmas in my mind and a little bit with my husband,but singing,keeping a tiny tree,making sweets and going out smiling with my friends and family when they have the time.

8 Friends Every Woman Needs

http://www.prevention.com/health/sex-relationships/8-friends-every-woman-needs



Essential Friendships


You know that close friendships feel good

But did you know just how much of a health boost they can be? According to a 10-year study of older people in Adelaide, Australia, satisfying friendships predict longevity better than even close family ties, and they can protect against obesity, depression, and heart disease, among other health problems. “When women get stressed, our instinct is often to find a friend and talk things through,” says Joan Borysenko, PhD, author of Inner Peace for Busy Women. “Both touch and talk release the hormone oxytocin, which has a profoundly calming effect on your mind and body.”

You don’t need 600 Facebook friends or a jam-packed social calendar to reap these impressive perks (in fact, both can backfire). Research shows the following “types” of relationships are especially potent for your health. Here’s how to cherish these friendships and make sure you stay close for the long haul.

1. A Childhood Friend

Longtime intimates are special for many reasons. They knew you and your family while you were growing up and likely have many memories and stories of you that no one else does. "These friends remind you that you are still the person you've always been," says Rebecca G. Adams, PhD, a leading friendship researcher and sociology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

Nurture these ties by starting a members-only Web site—groups on Yahoo, Google, or Facebook are free and make it easy. Use them to plan vacations or share links to digital photo albums. Or keep things low tech—just stick a card in the mail now and then, and stay in touch with phone calls. Research from the University of Notre Dame shows that people who chat at least every 15 days have the best chance of staying close over time.

2. A New Friend

"As we get older, we can fall into ruts," says Pamela McLean, PhD, a psychologist in Santa Barbara, CA. "New friends ignite different kinds of thinking and fresh ways of being." What's more, they'll connect you to another network of people, says Rosemary Blieszner, PhD, a professor at Virginia Tech who has researched friendships among older women. That network can be helpful if you’re looking to make a career change or find a new pool of potential dates.

Find new friends at the office, befriend your kids’ friends’ parents, or try new activities, like that Zumba class at the gym.

3. A Workout Friend

Experts agree that exercising—whether walking, golfing, or salsa dancing—is one of the most important things you can do for your physical and mental health and longevity. And a good friend may be the glue that makes this healthy habit stick. A University of Connecticut study of 189 women ages 59 to 78 found that strong social support was key to maintaining a new exercise regimen for 1 year.

For best results, set a joint exercise goal together—whether it’s going for a neighborhood walk 4 days a week or running a 5K. It's the best way to boost the get-healthy payoff of a workout partner because neither of you is poking and prodding the other, which is a recipe for resentment, says Marcia G. Ory, PhD, a researcher at Texas A&M Health Science Center.

4. A Spiritual Friend


A study from Duke University Medical Center found that people who regularly attended religious services or engaged in activities such as prayer, meditation, or Bible study had a 50% lower risk of dying over a 6-year period than others of the same age and health status.

That's not to say it's easy to forge a connection in a room of 300 worshippers or while meditating on your own. Seek more intimate opportunities at a local church or temple: Volunteer in a canned food drive campaign, or attend a lecture series. Or try a neighborhood yoga center or community college; they often offer spiritually meaningful courses.

5. A Younger Friend

Research shows that an essential element of a happy life is to nurture and feel useful to others—by cooking a wholesome meal, say, or passing on what you've learned through experience. For many women, that itch gets scratched by raising children. But mentoring younger friends (from the office, for example) can give you that same feeling, Blieszner says.

To maximize the benefits of this friendship, let advice flow in both directions. A younger confidante can explain the social networking site du jour or offer a fresh take on current events.

6. Your Partner’s Friends

The more a couple's family and friends intermingle, the happier spouses are after even just 1 year of marriage, found one study that examined the social circles of 347 couples. "We were surprised," says researcher Kenneth Leonard, PhD, a professor of clinical psychology at SUNY Buffalo. "Including your spouse in your network of friends is nearly as important for marital happiness as making them feel they are a part of your family."

7. Your Mom

Despite the inevitable conflicts between grown moms and daughters, the relationships are generally strong, supportive, and close. "There is great value in this bond because mothers and daughters care so much for one another," says study author Karen L. Fingerman, PhD. If you’d like to be closer but run into the same roadblocks over and over, here’s some advice to overcome the most common issues.

You find it hard to enjoy time with mom: Stop trying to change her, and focus on what you do enjoy, says Fingerman.

You keep clashing over the same old issues: The women who had the strongest relationships didn't take the conflicts personally. Instead, they tended to see criticism as a reflection of their mother's habits or traits.

The relationship feels too close for comfort: Daughters who did the best with this accepted that their mothers wanted more time together. Instead of telling their moms what they couldn't do, these daughters focused on when they could get together and what they could do for their mothers.

8. Yourself


So, how does one befriend herself, exactly? It starts with self-knowledge, says Prevention advisor Pamela Peeke, MD, MPH, an assistant clinical professor of medicine at the University of Maryland. "Getting to know yourself is an amazing adventure," she says. "Think of what makes you fall in love with someone: how genuine, sincere, and caring they can be; the unconditional love they offer, no matter what. Doesn't that describe how you should feel about yourself?"

Peeke recommends you repeat the following mantra as a reminder: "I love and honor myself as I do the other important people in my life." To give yourself the TLC you deserve, write down seven things that make you feel happy and healthy (cooking dinner, talking to a friend, running, reading a book), and make sure you do at least one every day.

Decorating your Christmas Tree

Step 1: Hang Christmas Tree Lights


The first step in decorating a Christmas tree is adding the lights. Tree lights typically come on green or white wire strands; choose the strand that matches your tree so the wire will be hidden. Illuminating your Christmas tree from the inside out will give it the most dynamic look. Start at the base of the trunk and work your way up, wrapping lights around every major branch, moving from the trunk to the tip and back.

Traditional incandescent lights: These Christmas tree lights, which come in a variety of sizes and colors, are the most popular type of tree lights. They warm up the branches of a real tree, which will release the scent of pine into the room.

LED Lights: These Christmas tree lights are newer than the traditional incandescent lights and don't produce heat. They're typically more expensive, but are flameproof and fireproof and completely safe to put on your tree.


Step 2: Add Christmas Tree Garlands


There are no firm rules when draping garlands on a tree. To avoid the "sausage effect" (branches bulging between tightly cinched garlands), start at the top of the tree and slowly increase the amount of garland between each wave as you work your way down the branches. Plan to use about two strands of garland for every vertical foot of tree.

To avoid a busy look on your tree, use a variety of garlands from plain to fancy. Thin, beaded garlands look best hung from branch to branch; thicker paper, ribbon or foil garlands look best wrapped loosely around the entire tree.


Step 3: Hang Christmas Tree Ornaments


To showcase your favorite ornaments, place them in prime positions on the tree first. Next, hang your larger ornaments, spacing them evenly around the tree. Fill in around those ornaments with medium- and small-size ornaments. Be sure to hang some ornaments closer to the trunk to create depth and interest. Finish dressing the tree by adding specialty items, such as clip-on ornaments or icicles.


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This is my christmas tree for 2011: