Why are men like that !

What inspired me to write this piece was my husband,who came home yesterday night from completion of phase 2 of his project, with bad heat burns on his entire torso.He did some welding and was in one of his moods ,as it hurt a lot.Today ,he came back early from work,smiling from end to end,coz he got his leave and the medicated cream was finally doing good.

This got me thinking why is he like that? Then I thought - even my brother and dad did so too,so the question popped,why are men like that?

Why -

• Fart especially around you and you catch them,you will find them smirking away.Is that funny? Is that smell suppose to send me jiggling with laughter? And when you question them,The cliche' response is ,"Hey ! Its a natural thing.Its suppose to happen.God intended it to be so."
• Their idea of taking you out,could sometimes be,sitting in the car for hours ,while he and his friend are searching for something they feel is is very important and at the end of which,they will change their mind and say it was too expensive anyway.We don't need it that badly.
• That water, on the kitchen or the bathroom floor is not a big deal.And to top it out,they will walk all over it and leave footprints.

       "  Oops,I didn't notice that ! It doesnt look that dirty?  "
         Like I need to know whats dirty and whats not !

• Leave a trail of body hair all over the bathroom floor and sink after a shower and a trim.

         Why? What can I do about my hair,its there on my body,its bound         to fall somewhere when I'm naked.

• They have to be reminded that  their hair has grown long enough and they now need a hair cut.They will sometimes wait (some of them at least) to go finish with the neanderthal phase.

Day 1: Sweetie,go have a haircut?         
           M: OK.

Day 3: Sweetie,you should go in today?  
          M : Yeah I know.

Day 5 : Sweetie,its too shaggy looking now,please go?
          M: Fine,I will see when I'm free.

Day 6: You have to get that haircut dear?
         M: Why are you bugging me everyday...have patience,I'm a busy man.

Day 8 : That's it! You cannot lie next to me with that head of yours.
          M: I'm on my way pumpkin.

• Hates going to the mall.Why? Because its a place where people go to "line marofy". And why go to places for window shopping when you know you cant afford or want to buy those things?

What the hell is that suppose to mean? what is wrong with window shopping? Whats wrong with ogling and drooling over things you cant buy? At least you can see them first hand right !  Iam saving big bucks,cant you see.

•  That friends or guests can be invited over for dinner or lunch but nothing in between.

I would love to throw tea parties,juice parties,ice cream parties,what is wrong with that theory? The English do it ,right !  Why does it always have to be a 4 course big meal.Why can we just chill?
M: Because its not polite and doesn't look good serving tea with nibbles.
Me : The freakin' Angrezis do...why cant we !

• Why does the idea of throwing your clothes into hamper everyday seem wrong?

M : Why do I have to change everyday?
Me: Why are you waiting for fungus and algae to grow on your clothing by wearing it for 3 days in a row? Why cant you smell your perspiration at all? why cant you understand the fact that noticing all that butt scratching,crotch scratching makes me wonder if there are alien organisms in your clothes!

• Why they don't understand the rituals of a woman's body care and think its bit too much.

Sweetie,lathering your skin with cream and deodorants makes one soft n supple.I do this coz I don't want to appear dry and brittle.I want a nice shiny skin.Other than making myself lush for you,I want to look good for ME.We love to pamper ourselves.If I can do that at home without spending 100s of bucks in the salon,then why not?

• Why your ideas or suggestions are not that good when given at a  time,their own ideas haven't yet come into their minds yet.

A wife's idea or girlfriends ideas will only be good when the guy has had plenty of his ideas already.How dare we,made from their ribs,be the ones to think of something good and unique first.The manly men think of the best first and then come our ideas.
A couple of days ago,we were thinking about our vacation and when to take leave.I kept on yakking on and on explaining when is the best time to go and the in laws would be ecstatic if we could spend one festival with them.he kept nodding away.Today,he asks me to pull out the calendar and says the same thing again.And in the end,he goes like,"See ! I always think through all details before planning something." And I didn't want to crush him but In my mind I was like,who was I talking to that day...the evil twin?

But he is my sweetheart and I love him to pieces.I'm sure he has so much to pick on in me.

Diary page of a woman trying to sleep.

Nowadays,my sleep pattern has taken for the worse.I dont sleep when I should and therefore sleep late.But then I dont oversleep but get up early as well.This continues for a couple of days and then one day I hit the pillow and sleep for long periods of time.

First of all,I need to get this thing out of my head.I dreamt a couple of days ago,that I was a handsome man who just started dating this gorgeous woman.So on the day we meet at my primary school premises, where the electricity is absent,she tells me she has a 2 year old toddler.I light a candle and am very happy that I found a readymade family.As I go near the baby and touch his tiny hands,the baby scratches the flesh of it.I scream,the woman aint there at the moment,the kid turns Chucky on me,its hair gets all pointy,its eyes turn all black,the nails turn black and long and the child stands up with the scariest smile and says,"SO you think you can date my mom.Run ,run ,as fast as you can.Hide in those halls but I will find you and chop you into bits."I was so darn frightened,I literally scream into the ears of my sub conscious to wake me up and I did.

So there it is.I hope it doesnt haunt my mind anymore.Now its out there.

Lets move on to the real part of my blog.

I put my husband to bed by midnight.He had to get his beauty sleep as he was planning on leaving very early for work the next day.SO there on my bed I started thinking.At 1 am the comedy videos will begin and at 2 am,HOUSE episode will satrt and finish by 3 am.That was easy.House finished and then suddenly I wanted to drink instant coffee.I woke up and made nescafe and had it.Eventually Im going to fall asleep.Let me check the time.What the hell! Its only 3:20 am.No problem,let me go online and see if anyone has uploaded some pics.NAh !....No interesting comments to comment back on.I shouldnt have finished my Mahjong game so soon.Should have played 1 level per day.But I did play well.SO what If I played 2 of the levels over 50 times to complete it.I dont want use the PC.So I shut it off.

Whats the time! what,its only 3:50 am.Let me watch that arabic serial today.DID Zohra leave her 3rd husband again? Did her first husband sew her for cheating him? What exactly does that dialogue mean? ( egyptian arabic is way different than kuwaiti arabic,cant understand it completely.)Darn,I watched that episode already.MAybe if I get bored,I fall asleep.Nah ! still too boring but not making me sleepy.

What time is it ! Its 4:30 am.Good.Maybe I will fall asleep soon.I must switch the TV off.Maybe then I will have no choice but fall asleep.I switched it off.Now Im talking to myself inside my head.

Suzaan,you should fall asleep,come on,you can do it.You have a lot to do tomorrow.COme on,sleep.Maybe if I count sheep jumping across the fence like they show in the cartoons,I may feel sleepy.1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 ,..Hey what time is it now ! Let me check...Surely Its 5 am now.What????? Its 4:50 am.

Closing my eyes,I go into my monologues again.

Maybe Aunty and her family reached Pakistan already.Maybe they wont find the time to rest before the funeral of their grandma.Gosh ! My grandma was so sweet.My dad cried so much when she died.How am I going to cope if something happened to my folks.No,I may not cry for we werent so close.No,I may cry a lot because I missed them so much.SUzaan ! Stop thinking such things.SLeep......Hey ! Im supposed to get my periods soon.When is the date? Let me count quickly and then I will definitely sleep.1 , 2 , 3 , ...crap Its tomorrow.Shish...Let me think real deep...Am I PMSing? Did I start overeating already ? (coz they are one of my positive signs of approaching periods.)  No Im not cranky as such....I didnt yell at my husabnd at all.How would that happen,he wasnt around the whole day ! What time is it ? Let me have a quick peek.5:30 am.

Shut your eyes woman.Okay let me make myself calm....God please give me good sleep. And also good  dreams.Hmmmm....ARe my nails clean? I opened my eyes and checked a few.Before I smack you mad,Put that arm down and go to sleep.ARe you crazy? checking your nails instead of sleeping.Hehehehhe...I should blog about this.....People will think Im crazy.Will you just sleep already.My brain works so much.Im thinking and it has no time to even fall asleep.Oooo...Whats brain dead then? If a person is brain dead,then he is declared legally dead and referred to as a vegetable.Whats a coma then? The heart cannot survive without a functioning brain.Its the heart stops,one is dead,if the brain stops,you're still sort of dead.Good,my brain is hyperactive.What time is it? 6 am.

Got to remove those chunks of ice I put to set in and empty them into my husband thermal ice box.He will wake up in 45 mins and make a lot of noise by filling water and what not ! If I fall into deep sleep  and its ruined again,Im going to be very cranky.Then I got up,filled water into the 2 boxes,filled it with water bottles and soft drinks.He had to take it to work.Then I filled the containers again.I have to make ice for tomorrow but what if My husband just pulls them out of the freezer thinking it is ice and spill water all over the carpet..NAh..I get up after Im done sleeping and then fill them up.

I had to do the whole filling and emptying quitely lest I wake my darling.What time is it? 6:28 am.

I should have rubbed some coconut oil onto my eyelids,maybe I would feel sleepy.Whats that? My back is hurting slightly.My ear feels ticklish.OMG,dont tell Im having an ear infection.Let me move my jaws and see if it hurting.Have I been having ticklish ears for days or was it just now!Darn it ! Im going to take an antibiotic in the evening.But now I must fall asleep.

What am I gonna dream? Wh....a...t  ti.....m....e  i....s  i????????????

Dictionary of a MOM:

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.


CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom’s other name.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be like when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “cheap.”

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.

Festivals that scared us.

I was on facebook and one of my friend had posted a Happy Raksha Bandhan on it.I actually started laughing because it reminded me of the good old days of college.Come Rakhi day and the boys would sweat at the sight of a good looking girl,wondering if she will wish me happy rakhi or worse tie one,and that would be the end of his fantasy.I never had that problem coz I was sort of a guy.:>.Anyways,we did have some chicks in our class and it was fun to see the manly men avoiding girls during breaks and what not.

Then when I came to college,it was a totally different sight.Our college gates were the only visible thing from the outside.The main temples of study were located way inside.Firstly,you had the schools,then high school ,then Library and then the college classrooms.Since we were all women's college,we were surrounded by the opposite sex at all times outside our college.

When you are between the ages of 17 - 21,you start prancing around like a peacock.The peacock should have been a female.Either its gay or something went wrong in its evolution.You,as in college girl, will dress up well at all times except when there are exams.You are actually  motivated to wear something different or look better or cooler everyday.You will wear makeup,you will look fresh ,no matter how scorching the weather maybe.The latest in salwar kameez coz our college had a strict policy for anything above knee length or pants of any sorts.

There was this tiny joint outside our college famous for egg puffs and veg puffs and maybe chicken too.Half of the ladies from our college ate there.They would stand in the heat if they had to,but there was something about those puffs and cold drinks.It was just around the end of the road and the guys would come in their flashy bikes or few of them I guess borrowed cars for this joyous safari ride.You could see guys packed in cars.2 guys on a bike.Wearing Sunglasses,jeans,Tee's,etc.I guess like the girls,they too splashed a little dough on their t-shirts and jeans and not forgetting the cash for the diesel or petrol or whatever went into their rides.In that one hour of break ,you would see the same car and vehicles and the people in them circling so many times,you knew their number plates even.At that age,a smile from an older man or guy of weird sorts,all ,would bring glee in one's hearts and an automatic returnfire smile.

Come raksha Bandhan day,the traffic would be light.You wouldnt have road jams.A few guys who did still circle around,would make sure they were deaf for that day.It was peaceful actually.You could cross the road without wondering which guy's car you will come under coz his eyes arent on the road.I was amazed at how seriously this day was revered by the boys actually.I had a Rakhi brother too.He was a nice guy.We havent been in touch for years but he is a great guy.

Then we had Rose day.OMG,this day was actually a competetion.Every girl was your enemy.The girl who walked in with roses in her hand before she entered the college campus meant,she was considered hot by her many fans out there.No rose was too expensive,even if in the end,the guy threw that rose on a girl who didnt even see you ride away.I was actually intrigued and would actually observe with my girlfriend, who got how many.In the lunch break,the roads would be packed.There used to be hawaldars if im not mistaken to smoothen the traffic out.Back then I knew of 2-3 girls who almost every guy outside our campus had the hots for.They had good figures and wore clothes that showed their curves.They were slim,streaked their hair and had time to wear makeup.Oh,they would walk out,and the horns honked away,slight whistling here and there,lots of ogling and lots of pollution.Carbon monoxide expulsion was at its best this day.

Those were indeed good old fun days.Now, it takes an axe to the head or bucket of tears for that ogling,smiling to happen from the husband.I did have a neighbour who flashed me a charming smile every now and then ,but I never encouraged him at no point.Being the Bharatiya Nari that Iam,I couldnt give dhokha to my pati.(exceptions are dreams)

My husband does tease me or give me a naughty smile when we are in public,and i love that.But if I even mention that some guy,looked at me wrong for 2 secs,he transforms into ,no ! not a transformer,but into Yamraj.The dialogue will go like this,
" Kidher hai wo? Kaun hai wo? Tumne pehle kyu nahi bola? Kya kiya usne? {MEanwhile he is staring around like as if he has rabies,which actually scares the crap out of me}Kaun hai wo kamina,maa-der-chut,sharam nai athi...auratho ki koi izzat hi nai karta."

I know how angry he can get,he beat up 5 guys once and it  was a mess of cops and fines.And we were sort of dating at the time.Now I just cant let him do that.So I take care of myself.I give my Kaali Maa stare and yell in arabic and no one dare approach me.

Iam famished and have cooking to do and 2 hours to go before I break my fast.