Frustrations

As I sit by the window sill,


Iam reminded of -

The beautiful childhood I had,

Of the beautiful relationship I had with my siblings,

Of all the times we spent building houses out of bedsheets,

Of the time we shared our puddings and chocolates,

Of the time when we giggled watching padosan,

Of the time when we held each other through tears of scoring low grades,

Of the time when we couldn't contain our joy of receiving our Christmas gifts,

Of the time when our parents held us close because I had a fever,

Of the times when our favourite meal was prepared so we could take a from veggies.



As I sit by the window sill,

Iam reminded of the -

Time when a war broke out,

Of the time when not knowing my dad would make it was an issue,

Of the time my mom wanted me to grow up overnight so I could worry alongside,

Of the time when I was pushed into a hostel life to make a brighter future,

Of the time when I cried wondering why I had to live a life without being in the arms of my parents,

Of the time when I had to get good marks to avoid being scolded by the warden,

Of the time when I loved being at school with friends,

Of the time I hated my life coz the hostel food sucked big time,

Of the time when meeting up with my guardian was the biggest deal,

Of the times when holidays were awaited so badly,

Of the time when deciding for a future didn't mean much,

Of the time when being with your family even for a day was the ultimate wish,

Of the beautiful vacations I had at my nana's home,

Of the times when I fell in love for the first time,

Of the time when that love made up for everything I missed with my family.



As I sit by the window sill,

Iam reminded -

Of the time I started my grad school,

Of the time when I rejoined my siblings and had the best 3 years of my life,

Of the time when I made new friends who brought so much into my life,

Of the time when we had to sit through boring chem classes,

Of the time when we had to sit through stinky chem lab experiments,

Of the time when we had to dissect a cockroach,

Of the time sitting with all those friends in the building compound chattering away,

Of the time when we burnt more than midnight oil to cram for our exam papers,

Of the times when we watched blockbusters at theaters,

Of the time we ate at indo Chinese restaurants every weekend with friends and family,

Of the time when I graduated and prepared for another major phase of my life.



As I sit by the window sill,Iam reminded -

Of the time when I came into this foreign land with hopes and dreams,

Of the time when i couldn't find a decent job,

Of the time when my parents frustration became my nightmare,

Of the time when landing a good job and a good husband became a bane of my life,

Of the time when my frustrations were killing my soul,

Of the time when I was forced to give up on my true love,

Of the time when I didn't find any form of support from anyone,

Of the time when I had to suddenly grow up and be the "Oh so Strong" woman who doesn't seem weak to anyone,

Of the time when my overweight body became a daily argument at home,

Of the time when I resort to instant gratification to keep myself from going insane,

Of the time when being rebellious in the worst form meant standing up for myself,

Of the time when I loved being at work and preferred not to have any social life,

Of the time when being at work for 14 hours daily was much better than being at home.



As I sit by my window sill,Iam reminded -

Of that one person who supported me with constant calls,

Of that one person who stood at a distance and just spoke to me for hours,

Of that one person who would listen to all my sob stories and still find me amusing,

Of that person who I didn't actual have any feelings for but still was there for me,

Of that person who begged me to marry him even though I refused for an entire year,

Of that person who stood outside my window for hours just to catch a glimpse of me,

Of the person who saw me crying by my window,

Of the time when I wanted to kill myself,

Of the time when I just wanted to go back to India and never be back,

Of the time when every rejection of a proposal meant being taunted for days over my bad looks and luck.



As I sit on my window sill,Iam reminded -

Of the biggest decision I made in my life,

Of the time I got married,

Of the time when my parents hit me for it,

Of the time when I was disowned for good,

Of the time when I decided to go on with my life,

Of the time when I had my first major surgery within months of getting married,

Of the time when I sat all alone at the hospital with no one by my side but my supportive husband,

Of the time when I started fertility treatments,

Of the time when my behaviour was getting erratic and depressive,

Of the time I would cut myself regularly to ease my pain,

Of the time when my relationship with my husband was hanging at the end of a very thin rope,

Of the time when depression ruled my life and I would think of suicide every passing moment,

Of the time when I didn't have my mom to confide in,

Of the time when I was told I could never be pregnant,

Of the time when I felt all alone for years because no one got me.



As I sit by my window sill, Iam reminded of -

Of the time when my husband helped me out through the worst phase of my life,

Of the time when he smiled through every bullshit I put him through,

Of the time he kept telling me and still does,that there is more to life than having a baby,

Of the time when we decided to live our life with happiness ,rather than crying over baby issues and money issues.



As I sit by the window sill,Iam reminded of -

Of the time when my siblings came back into my life,

Of the times when,even though, I felt things could never ever be the same ,I hung onto it to have at least what was left of family,

Of knowing that I have been named the bad sheep,

Of the time,when it dawned on my mind again,that nothing could ever be the same.



As I sit by my window sill,I realise -

I cannot be weak,

I cannot sweat over things like this and ruin my sanity,

I can train myself to be a better person,

I can put my foot every time I feel I'm not been respected,

I can stand through every deceptive relationship,

Every pity friendship,

I should demand and command respect and accept nothing less,

I can kick out people who come and go as they see fit and not care who they walk over at times,

That I'm me and I'm in this world for a purpose and its all up to me,

as to who replenishes my life and soul and who just maims it.

Endless Pain

What would you do if someone you loved,hid you from the rest of the world coz they felt ashamed of you in some way.They loved you from the bottom of their heart but couldn't be seen with you.What if you were a secret,kept to save face and retain reputation.Is it still love if you cant be open about it? Is it still a relationship worth fighting for,if you have to hide at every gathering...if you cant be be part of a public life with them?


Should one still make things work because you don't have the guts to sever that last part of the loosening rope to your past and happy memories? What if so many lies had been said to keep the happy picture perfect appearance?

Who has been wronged - the people who dare taint a reputation they worked so hard to achieve over the years or the person who has been deemed wrong,bad,the eternal sad stain that has to be eradicated to make others seem righteous and true?

How can blood be any thicker than water...when that stain is your own blood !

Some life lessons are so hide to learn , some decisions are so hard to make...in the end....one has to kill himself ,over and over again,to earn the right to be ultimately respected.One of the choices that were made even though it threatened to destroy a part of one's soul forever.A decision which finally blocked the bits and pieces of love one received rarely now and then.



-An excerpt from the painful existence in one's corner of a wounded heart.

Bored

For the past 2 weeks and half,I have been going bored out of my mind.Since hubby is on endless duty timings,I tend to grow crazy and have no idea what to do.

Back in India,if I popped out of my flat,I could go downstairs and knew at least a dozen aunties and uncles sitting downstairs and wondering," Aah! Did we have to turn 60 so soon? "My point being you could start a conversation with nay Tom,Dick and Harry.The kids went crazy playing gutter gutter,Aldies were all too glad to have a time out from the daily routines and the great thing,people speaking in our language.Like the movies,out here,when you come across people who speak your language,you feel so happy to able to reconnect even if it means overhearing their conversations.You go,"Arey dekho ,wo India ki hai,wo Pakistan ke hain,arey wo punjabi me bath kar rahe hai,arey tulu me bath kar rahe hai,arey konkani speakers." But out here I'm surrounded by women who never come out of their flats.Most of them are arabs from other parts of the world.There is no playground nearby to walk in.

There are get togethers and what not of the communities out here but Im not aware of any of these.

There Are times when I wonder it would be simply fabulous to be India.I tell my hubby," If we were in India nah,we could go to some nearby area hours away and peek into villages and monuments and what not." He gives me that " Yeah right !" look whenever I say stuff like this.Out here we need to have a means of transport to any nearby place which is a pain in the ass problem coz out here to have to fulfill certain conditions to own a driver's licence.

I was speaking to my brother the other day and when he asked me to come his home on a taxi,I was shocked at my own words.I haven't travelled in a taxi for almost 8 years now and 10 years since I travelled in a bus.I wondered to myself when did I become so dainty or nazook to stop these minute little pleasure rides in my life.I think I have been over protected a bit too much for my sake.Oh ,how I loved to ride in buses.It would take such a long time to reach my destinations and I looked outside the window,thought about things I had no time to think otherwise.
 
My speakers weren't working for the past week and it was driving me crazy.I usually think myself to depression if one tiny thing isn't functioning well.Like when my washing machine broke down,all I did was change often,fill my laundry basket and worry about it piling away and how I cant wash my clothes immediately.Yes ! I wash almost 4 times a week.My rule being if I can see the clothes surfacing the basket,its time to wash.I know I'm a nutcase.Yesterday night,My hubby kept telling me," When you fret over one tiny thing,its the only thing you distract yourself over for days."I did want to punch his face but the man was telling the truth.
 
Finally I followed all the troubleshooting crap step by step and managed to fix it.And I have been playing songs the whole day now.When I'm alone,I turn the volume high of the television or the stereo,this way I'm surrounded by sound and I don't feel alone.
 
Back In India,if I knew the weekend would suck,I would find out which theater was playing a good movie and just go .It didn't matter if I had company or not,I could enjoy it both ways.Restaurants I don't go alone.I need to have some company.I went to "hao hao" and "hao ming" in mangalore very often and I loved the Indochinese food there.Out here good restaurants are very expensive to eat out weekly and plus my hubby makes this face and marrofies this dialogue," Yeh koi hotel hai.Isse acha khana to tum ghar me paka leti ho.Mene nahi khana." Its then I wish I can whack his head and dump him in the trunk of our car and go to the hotel.Its a compliment I know,but I don't mind eating crap outside,I just want a change from the walls of my home.
2 weeks have been like hell to me and I managed to suck a promise out of him to take me out to a nice restaurant when hes done with his emergency duty.That's whats holding a cracking me right now.
 
We lay in bed and I told him its been ages since I put on some makeup and dressed well and went out.He gives me this look," Tayar ho jao na,kisne mana kiya hai." And Im like," tayaar hoke muje line kaun marega? padosi ko bulaon kya? " and the bickering like a nutcase from me continues.The man works for 11 hours straight and still manages to peel in laughter at my drama,its amazing.I wonder how does he put up with me,he tells me "you are an anokha sample." How did your parents put up with you for 24 years and I tell him 14 years more and you will find your answer yourself.
 
I'm rambling right ! I'm,I know but I need to do so.I tried looking for  HD wallpapers,searched for online skill games to play with,tried reading updated blogs of friends, looked for activity on facebook ( Saala,jis din dekha chaho ,us din koi facebook pe nahi hota.)I had nothing to cook today coz I have to cook for myself only,and I don't want to eat.I have eating cabbage and rice for 3 days now.
 
I'm wearing this muffler round my neck coz I sprained it yesterday night.My pillow wasn't set right,hubby had the fan on and I was glued to the heater.Its like I'm in Antarctica and he lives on the Sun.He is sweating and I'm shivering all the time.And This muffler,Since I bought it,I always felt it was made from cat fur.Don't know why,its 8 years old and I feel I have a dead cat rolled around my neck.But it keeps me warm even though sometimes I have a fur ball down my throat.Should maybe slide it next to my hubby when he is sleeping.His eyes get all red shot and tears start rolling when there are dogs and cats around.
 
My legs are so skinny.Yeah ! I stretched them a while ago  and there they were.All my life people teased me because of them and called me chicken legs.Earlier I used to laugh at my own legs when people made fun of them but then you cant fight genetics right.My mom's side of the family have only chicken legs to spare.Its so weird nah...maybe if I was as thin as a stick they wouldn't look so bad.But I'm an ice cream cone like my brother calls me.
I told my hubby of this dream I had.Sujatha,I and Padma were in this ancient ancient mahal in Rajasthan and we kept wowing over all the stuff and decor.My hubby was like," Ji Rani ji,Is baar aap kya aur kahan thi?" He doesn't dream at all.( he claims.. but Im sure he dreams of things hes too ashamed to tell me..Ahem...Men will be men after all.)I started with some things and then I'm like,I had very very thick,ass length hair,I was slim and had this fantastic frilly  outfit with the right jewellery,the perfect chic bohemian style.( Yeah ! everything that I ain't In reality.)And he started lol-ing away.
 
My arms and fingers hurt.Before I get carpal tunnel syndrome ( I guess I already do have it) and this blog turns idiotically long,I better stop.

Happy marriages Final part

Eclipsed by Expectations


What's most noticeable about Sarah and Mark Holdt of Estes Park, Colorado, is their many differences. "He's a Republican, I'm a Democrat. He's a traditional Christian, I'm an agnostic. He likes meat and potatoes, I like more adventurous food," says Sarah. So Mark heads off to church and Bible study every week, while Sarah takes a "Journeys" class that considers topics like the history of God in America. "When he comes home, I'll ask, 'What did you learn in Bible Study?'" she says. And she'll share her insights from her own class with him.


But when Sarah wants to go to a music festival and Mark wants to stay home, "I just go," says Sarah. "I don't need to have him by my side for everything." He's there when it matters most—at home, at the dinner table, in bed. "We both thrive on touch," says Sarah, "so we set our alarm a half hour early every morning and take that time to cuddle." They've been married for 14 years.

It takes a comfortable sense of self and deliberate effort to make relationships commodious enough to tolerate such differences. What's striking about the Holdts is the time they take to share what goes on in their lives—and in their heads—when they are apart. Research shows that such "turning toward" each other and efforts at information exchange, even in routine matters, are crucial to maintaining the emotional connection between partners.

Say one partner likes to travel and the other doesn't. "If you view this with a feeling of resentment, that's going to hurt, over and over again," says Doherty. If you can accept it, that's fine—provided you don't start living in two separate worlds.

The available evidence suggests that women more than men bring some element of fantasy into a relationship. Women generally initiate more breakups and two-thirds of divorces, becoming more disillusioned than men. They compare their mates with their friends much more than men do, says Doherty.


He notes, "They tend to have a model or framework for what the relationship should be. They are more prone to the comparison between what they have and what they think they should have. Men tend to monitor the gap between what they have and what they think they deserve only in the sexual arena. They don't monitor the quality of their marriage on an everyday basis."

To enter a relationship with an idea of what it should look like or how it should evolve is too controlling, she contends. It takes two people to make a relationship. One person doesn't get to decide what it should be. And to the extent that he or she does, the other partner is not going to be happy.

The Signal to Grow



It is a fact that like the other basic pillars of life, such as work and children, marriage is not always going to be a source of satisfaction. No one is loved perfectly; some part of our authentic self is never going to be met by a partner. Sure, you can always draw a curtain over your heart. But that is not the only or the best response.


"Sometimes marriage is going to be a source of pain and sorrow," says Givertz. "And that's necessary for personal and interpersonal growth." In fact, it's impossible to be deliriously happy in marriage every moment if you are doing anything at all challenging in life, whether raising children, starting a business, or taking care of an aging parent.

Disillusionment becomes an engine for growth because it forces us to discover our needs. Knowing oneself, recognizing one's needs, and speaking up for them in a relationship are often acts of bravery, says Page. Most of us are guarded about our needs, because they are typically our areas of greatest sensitivity and vulnerability.

At the same time, taking the risk to expose your inner life to your partner turns out to be the great opportunity for expanding intimacy and a sense of connection. This is the great power of relationships: Creating intimacy is the crucible for growing into a fully autonomous human being while the process of becoming a fully realized person expands the possibility for intimacy and connection. This is also the work that transforms a partner into the right partner.


In other words, the inability or unwillingness to suppress negative emotions in the heat of the moment eliminates the possibility of a transformation of motivation to a broader perspective than one's own. Eventually, the cumulative impact of negative reactivity brings the relationship down.


"There is no such thing as two people meant for each other," says Michelle Givertz. "It's a matter of adjusting and adapting." But you have to know yourself so that you can get your needs for affection, inclusion, and control met in the ways that matter most for you. Even then, successful couples redefine their relationship many times, says Meinecke. Relationships need to continually evolve to fit ever-changing circumstances. They need to incorporate each partner's changes and find ways to meet their new needs.

Boston's Real reports that he attended an anniversary party for friends who had been together 25 years. When someone commented on the longevity of the relationship, the husband replied: "Every morning I wake up, splash cold water on my face, and say out loud, 'Well, you're no prize either.'" While you're busy being disillusioned with your partner, Real suggests, you'll do better with a substantial dose of humility."


A Critical Difference



There's a difference between fighting for what you want in your relationship and being in direct control of your partner, demanding that he or she change, says Real.

Firmly stand up for your wants and needs in a relationship. "Most people don't have the skill to speak up for and fight for what they want in a relationship," he observes. "They don't speak up, which preserves the love but builds resentment. Resentment is a choice; living resentfully means living unhappily. Or they speak up—but are not very loving." Or they just complain.

The art to speaking up, he says, is to transform a complaint into a request. Not "I don't like how you're talking to me," but "Can you please lower your voice so I can hear you better?" If you're trying to get what you want in a relationship, notes Real, it's best to keep it positive and future-focused.