May 13, 2010

Temporary disturbing feelings

For many days I have been wondering about this subject but it seemed just too sensitive to put it out there.My folks retired recently and will be leaving this country soon and that will the end of it.I havent spoken or seen my parents in 8+ years.They dont want to either.Thats the price I had to pay for marrying someone they didnt,dont and will never approve of.One moment I was the heart and soul.It was like beheading someone.Once the head is gone,life in that body just ceases to exist.

I have always had a soft spot for children even when I was a tiny kid myself.I dont remember my sis that much but my brother I do.I was 4-5 yrs old,I fed them,sang them songs,spoke to them,put them to sleep and stared at them for hours.As I grew older,my admiration for babies didnt end.My cousins would usually tease me saying that people who love babies so much,never tend to have their own.To which I would reply,no way....if I couldnt be a mom in the future I would kill myself.Coz if nothing else,mom is one thing I would badly want to be.
But 8+ years later,Im childless.I feel lost sometimes and feel bad for myself.I mourn the loss of my egg every month,I feel I have lost a child.I cry in the toilet or the bathroom.Cannot let my husband see me cry like this.He cant do anything about it but it upsets him a lot and he knows no amount of consoling can gratify me at that time.I hate to put him in such a spot,after all he too misses on being a father.
Iam a stronger person now,better yet,I have become stone like in matters such as these.The more mushy a feeling ,the more tough I become.Some people get me and some people think Im lucky coz I have no sleepless nights to suffer,no deliveries and pains to go through,no endless listening to babytalks and caring for a baby.If they only knew what I went through each time someone cuddled their child,each time they ran up and down to please their child,each time they stood proud at small feats like their baby standing holding onto a table.Im a good actress,my husband is a witness to my oscar worthy art.So I stand looking very happy,very jovial as if nothing makes me feel bad.Its a difficult role to play but I have learnt to play it like the breeze.
So sometimes I wonder my parents just cut me out so easily though I was in their life for almost 24 years and here I mourn an egg.Im sure they have their solid reasons and I dont hate them for it.They have their right to hate me but I dont.I have loved them and will continue to do so.I have never cared for what others have to say over anything coz I dont owe anyone anything neither do they.My folks have the right to their anger and their thoughts and feelings.
I was a bit upset and since my hubby isnt around to hear me rant on and on ,I thought getting it off my chest and mind would put me at ease.


  1. it was very touching to read this. i mean ... i dont know....its jsut so much pain....felt to hug u.......


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