Today,I was very very sad.I don't know if its the medication withdrawal that's getting me depressed or if I'm just upset with life.I cried my eyes out for a good half an hour.I tried not to but I just couldn't get a hold over my emotions.I felt vulnerable,like a bruise that has been cut open again.I felt I would burst open,my heart would just tear wide,I felt this huge anchor of depression on my soul,that I just cried.I spoke to God,complained about all the people I'm bugged with,All the situations I'm tired of,All the emptiness I feel and why I was finding it very hard to be grateful for anything !
“I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”
― Augusten Burroughs, Dry
What do you do when you are so upset and are not able to hold it all within the palms of your hand? I couldn't wait for my husband and even he was there,I don't think he would would understand why I was feeling this way ! On the contrare,he would get angry if I had no particular reason to be leaking tears this way.That's the last thing he wanted to see,was his wife crying for no apparent solid reason,after a long tiring day at work.
I envy men coz they bottle up everything and don't cry like us for everything.They might not even share their feelings and I wonder how do they do it ! While I cry till I get an asthma attack within minutes.
I'm the kind of person,who doesn't show her weak side.I have been through hell at times but I cry when I'm totally alone.I talk to myself,i write my diary,I curse while I'm working and after crying I feel this calmness come over me.I feel renewed,fresh and am able to do things again.I don't share my pain with anyone coz to be frank,no one wants to hear a sob story.Everyone has a lot on their plates already with their own miseries,that listening to some one's sadness,is a pain I cannot inflict on someone else.
“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”
― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees
I want to break some plates,glasses,Alas ! my crockery and dinner sets aren't that cheap.Yeah ! I'm amusing myself,so that I forget I cried My heart out a while ago,rolling on the floor.
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth
Being a strong person is difficult.Being uptight about showing your soft side,is a pain in the ass kind of deal as well.I'm the oldest of the 3,and I have been taught to take crap into my stride and not be a wuss.If the younger siblings did something,it was my fault.If they messed,what was I blind that I couldn't understand and put a handle on it all? Why cant I carry their bags coz they will get all tired? Why cant I look after them when my folks are busy? How can I go off to a college in a different place when I have younger ones to care for who cannot yet fend for themselves? So you see,I had to be strong ,strong enough to take crap.
That doesn't mean I wasn't a diva at times,I was,I had to be....But that's a total different story ! Where was I with my sadness...Yeah ! I'm smiling a bit.I have been alone for a couple of days and I guess it got the better of me.I have another 2 months to be alone but gotta do something about it.At times like these,I want to be that that carefree 13 yr old,who played all day long and whose only worry was breakfast and dinner.I wish I could own a puppy but hubby is allergic to animals, literally.He swells up,get red shot eyes and a nose leak.
If I was India,I would got a cow....hate cats and birds...adore dogs.Aah ! Wish I had a child.