May 11, 2011

Pretty ?

It was our usual summer vacations and I had come to stay at

our grandma's home.I one day decided I had to go and watch a
movie.Get away from it all,and do something I enjoy the
most! Which is watching movies in theaters.

I dont anymore cause here the price of tickets is too much
and with almost half of the movie censored,its not worth
paying so much.

So I go to this theater and look at the board saying
Rangeela.I thought to myself I had to watch this,first day
,first show,my first for a movie.I thought it was just gonna
be some drag movie but I went to see Aamir and wondered who,
the one showing off so much of her thigh,is.

Managed to get the ticket after standing in a long long
line,completely dehydrated and I looked like a soggy
transvestite.Anyhu,I get to my seat and the movie opens with
these beautiful ,fair slender legs dancing all over.Her
streaked hair and her outfit,I was floored.I whistled like
the many girls and boys throughout the movie.

But this is not about Urmila Matondkar.This is the effect it
had on me and my self esteem.After this movie,I told God,I
shouldnt have been born a girl.Everyone in mangalore at
least,are 4 times minus my size.I was fat to begin with but
then,to have to compete with skeletal figures ,was just too
much for me.I was this dark chocolate colored girl who had a
boy's haircut and gold framed eye glasses.No one ever called
me pretty and now with Urmila being the new craze,I totally
abandoned any hope of ever getting pretty.

My sister was the pretty one.Ahhh! She's got a good
color,she's got the good skin,she's the cutie pie.How could
I compete with that.Guys ogled at her....Yup ! It was tough
alright.Then on,I continued with my tomboyish streak till I
came to Kuwait.Even when I fell in love for the first time,I
was a bit girly but still not too inspired to do better.

Things became worse when I came to Kuwait.Always criticised,
always being compared to daughters who were doing better
than me,getting better proposals than me,etc.

But then one day I meet this weird guy,who just blurts out
in passing,"Grow your hair,You might like it !"Even though
my mom kept saying,"you have horrible curly hair,it wont
look nice",I went ahead and grew it a bit.It didnt look that
appealing but I was growing my after 16 years.It was bound
to look fugly to everyone around me.

When I got married ,my husband finally coaxed me in the ways
of feminity.Hehehehe......he would say I had nice eyes and
kajol looked very nice on them.He would say you will look
pretty with long hair.I started oiling them and plaiting
them regularly,so they would grow long.He then one day
brings this face cream and tells me,use this and your skin
will improve.Whenever I cried after getting my periods,he
would calm my nerves and hysteria by saying,"If it has to
happen,it will.Im in no hurry,its you I want.Anything more
than that would be additional blessings." (im not lying
people,back then when we were trying and not getting
anywhere,he did say this.)

It has taken a lot of therapy ( my shrink being my husband) to come to accept what I now believe in firmly.I look at young girls who are so obsessed with their looks and I wonder,how empty they must be feeling to do these things,spend so much money,all in the name of looking pretty,a look from the boys,for someone to just say,WOW ! SOme resort to spending money on things and some just go ahead and bury themselves in food.They eat and comfort in junk/comfort foods.But things never change.The pretty girls will always be mean,the fat ugly ones will always suffer from low esteem.The only thing one can do,is change one's own perspective.Only you can save yourself truly from scorn and petty thoughts.

After watching all those fat girl movies and talk shows,what
they say is true? True beauty comes from deep within.And its
all about confidence.If you truly believe that you are
hot,you will ooze it.Or whatever you believe from
within,will definitely show on your face.Teach your kids
that they are beautiful when they do good things,they are
beautiful no matter what color or size they are.Tell them
with good hearts,shines a pretty face which is happy with
what they do.Being fat or not the conventional pretty,isnt
the end of the world.A guy seeking qualities based on
outward appearance,is actually not looking for the genuine
thing,but is rather seeking an eye candy for their family
,relatives and world.

In the end,you dont want to be an eye candy on someone's
arm,they are mostly considered dumb,cheap bimbettes.You want
to be the true human being,beautiful in and out.

May 6, 2011


My nanima's home was a tiny little shack.It had red floorings like most of the old fashioned homes built in the 50s.It had 1 hall,one porch and 1 inner room where the suitcases were placed.It was the changing room,store room and I remember it had a very dim light maybe 20 watts.You could hardly see your ownself.It has a kitchen area,tiny one which had such blackened walls with all that cooking over fire.It didnt have a toilet but later on thanks to my dad and our constant crying during our visits,he paid for a bathroom and toilet and a tap as well.

What I loved about this place despite its modest setting,was it was 2 minutes away from a river.Dont know which it is now,but it was a gorgeous river.Coconut trees growing all by its side and the abundant clams and fish and crabs.

I would wake up every morning,brush my teeth,wash my face and run to the shore.AN early morning visit is not advisable coz you see the whole village paying it a visit,the ones with no toilets at home.It took me a while to shake this horrifying images of uncles and aunties holding a small lota of water and doing namaskara,Ahem ahem ! As you must have guessed,I didnt know at first,so I paid a closer visit.

But despite it all,I loved the river a lot.I took so many baths in it(after being told tht things were buried and not left to sail),I went shell picking which was a big thing in tht village.The way the water shone when the rays of the sun fell on it,the sound of tiny waves hitting the shore,tiny kids playing by the beach,the feeling of sand between your toes,the coolness of the water during the summer season in the morning...It was amazing!

Breakfast was usually tea and rusks,sometimes eggs.Water was being pulled out of the well and put into the bath drums.I loved the well.Looking into,screaming my name into it,pulling the water out into kolsos.ANd many a times,I would tell myself that someday I will be thanking my stars for enjoying this life.This phase,this simplicity.

Women wearing nightgowns with sari underskirts and their high tight buns.They would walk into the fields to do their daily chores of planting and seeding and pulling crops out.We were the odd ones out cause with all the chocolates we had been choking on as kids,we had absolutely no energy compared to the local kids.One step into that water laden mushy fields and I would eeeeeee and Oooooooo n yuckkkkkkkhhhh.They would be bent on thier backs for hours doing their daily work and I could hear my joints and back grinding with each other in 5 minutes.I wasnt expected to do anything but I wanted to be a part of it.In the end,I would be sitting at the side of the field while my cousins mocked me and my healthy "never done a day's work in life" body.

You could usually see me running along the beach,sleeping over grass patches,watching the clouds going by.People who knew us dreaded us.Cant they even do one little thing? How lazy can they get? Excuse me people,if I never did the dishes,or pulled out water or walk barefoot or wash clothes.But I eventually did.I learnt to wash my clothes -thanks to hostel life,learnt to pull out water-thanks to hindi movies and Sri Devi,learnt to run barefoot -thanks to indian movies portraying village life.I gathered little wood for fire - thanks to my cousins who always did it.

Beedi making was another part of life in our Nanima's household.I sat with them sometimes,even though,by the time I made one,my aunt made 4.I would think that one day in future as I will drench myself in luxury and read in books that people used to do this and that,I could smile and say,I have done it.

Actually,living in that village taught me many things.To be humble,to be happy with what little you have and no matter how rich one is or isnt,family politics is just about everywhere.You learn you dont need every machine to keep your life going.I walk into households of friends and they have dryers,automatic machines,etc.They dont struggle that much at all coz if you can afford it then why not !

Back then I would sit and watch the beautiful sunset for hours on end and find peace within myself.Now its like I would have to drink tequilla to find that peace.Or maybe marriage or running a family is not that small a responsibility.

I miss that place now.Those memories are relived in my mind every waking day.The saltiness of the sea in the air is enough to flood all those wonderful memories back.

I actually started out to write something and ended up with something else.Suzaan,you should rearrange your thinking rail ka patri.It keeps changing lanes.

I miss my gammi.SHe must be 86 years old now.