Jul 28, 2012

Controlling Parents

Controlling parents are a very common issue among Asian countries.Unlike the west,in Asia ,parents depend on their children especially the son to look after them as they grow old and are pretty close knit compared to the west.That's why we have joint families.The reason we have them is to have many a pair of helping hands,distributed responsibilities,its cost effective and includes free babysitting of kids and care of the old in the hands of anyone who's free.
But 99% of the time, as we grow older,we get accustomed to a certain kind of bonding,a certain kind of expectations from the younger generation and its taken for granted to expect a certain kind of bondage in the name of being parents or demanding siblings or whatever.So every time we don't do things a certain way,we are called irresponsible or trying to get away from caring for them or being judged for not doing something in the eyes of God or the eternal blackmail of we sacrificed this and that our entire life for you and now when we are helpless,you are gonna treat us this way?
The reason many families are going nuclear is for the same reason.One doesn't want to be nagged and blamed and told its just ain't enough.Kids today say we will provide you with everything but its better we live our lives and you live yours in our homes respectively.Many of younger generation have had such demanding and over zealous parents,that they have been trying to live an independent life since since adolescents but then out of duty continue to be bonded in a good way and in few cases in a bad way to the parents.Its just not limited to parents but In laws as well.The reason where either the daughter in law is abused emotionally or physically or the in laws/parents are by the children.One is not good enough and the sons land up paying the price,as one cannot ignore them and so they continue to live under pressure at the hands of controlling parents.
Its sad but its the truth.Cant live with them and cant live without them.

Ten Signs You May Have Had Controlling Parents

When you were growing up, your parents...

1. Over scrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life
2. Pressured you with perfectionist expectations or unattainable standards
3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them
4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them
5. Violated your privacy
6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you
7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself
8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities
9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others
10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

Ten Signs Your Parents May Still Control You

Even today as an adult, you...

1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents
2. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why
3. Feel confused by parental mixed messages
4. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents
5. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents
6. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself
7. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents
8. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice
9. Get tense when you think about being around your parents
10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

Ten Signs Early Unhealthy Control May Still Affect You

In your adult life, you...

1. Feel perfectionist, driven, or rarely satisfied
2. Feel intimidated or easily angered around controlling people
3. Lose yourself in relationships by automatically putting others' needs first
4. Find it hard to relax, laugh or be spontaneous
5. Feel as if you are under scrutiny even when no one else is around
6. Have an eating disorder or addictive behaviors
7. Have trouble finding a spiritual belief that feels right
8. Expect others to hurt, judge, or take advantage of you
9. Have harsh "inner critics"
10. Have trouble asserting yourself or feeling proud of your accomplishments

Ten Signs You May Be Over controlling Your Children

In raising your children, you...

1. Micromanage their eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life
2. Give affection as a reward but withdraw it as punishment
3. Criticize your children far more than you praise them
4. Violate your children's privacy
5. Override, discount or ridicule your children's strong emotions
6. Forbid your children from asking questions or disagreeing with you
7. Are unwilling to admit your mistakes in parenting
8. Believe that you own your children and that they have to earn your love
9. See your children's desires for independence and autonomy as a personal rejection
10. Inflict physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse on your children

Characteristics of Healthier vs. Controlling Families

Healthier Families

Parental love is relatively constant
Children get affection, attention, and nurturing touch
Children are told they are wanted and loved
Children are seen and valued for who they are
Children’s choices are accepted
Speaking honestly is valued more than speaking a certain way
Questioning and dissent are allowed
Problems are acknowledged and addressed
It’s okay to feel sadness, fear, anger and joy
Feelings are accepted as natural
Children’s potentials are encouraged
Children are praised when they succeed and given compassion when they fail
Parents set appropriate, consistent limits
Parents see their role as guides
Parents allow children reasonable control over their own bodies and activities
Encouragement of an inner Life to learn compassion for themselves
Parents communicate their values but allow children to develop their own values
Learning, humor, growth and play are present
Social Connections with others are fostered
Parents pass on a broader vision of responsibility to others and to society

Controlling Families

Parental love is given as a reward but withdrawn as punishment

Parents feel their children "owe" them
Children have to "earn" parental love
 Children are treated as parental property
Parents use children to satisfy parental needs
 Children are told things like "Don’t ask why" and "Don’t say no"
Questioning and dissent are discouraged
Problems are ignored or denied
 Strong emotions are discouraged or blocked
Feelings are considered dangerous
Ridicule Children ,feel on trial
Children are criticized more than praised
Parents see their role as bosses
Parents accord children little privacy
Denial of an Inner Life causing lack of compassion for themselves
Being right is more important than learning or being curious
Family atmosphere feels stilted or chaotic
Few genuine connections exist with outsiders
Children are told "Everyone’s out to get you"

The Various forms of controlling styles:

Remember the series of lenses an eye doctor alternates before your eyes until you find ones that enable you to see most clearly? Recognizing your parents’ styles offers the right lens that brings into focus the underlying values and themes with which you were raised. The more clearly you view your family’s themes, the more readily you can become your own person. You may find elements of one or more of these styles present in either or both of your parents:

1. Smothering : Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children’s identities, thoughts and feelings.

2. Depriving: Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when displeased.

3. Perfectionist: Paranoid about flaws, Perfectionist parents drive their children to be the best and the brightest. These parents fixate on order, prestige, power and/or perfect appearances.

4. Cult like :Distressed by uncertainty, Cult like parents have to be "in the know," and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children according to rigid rules and roles.

5. Chaotic :Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic parents tend toward mercurial moods, radically inconsistent discipline, and bewildering communication.

6. Using :Determined never to lose or feel one-down, Using parents emotionally feed off their children. Hypersensitive and self-centered, Using parents see others’ gains as their loss, and consequently belittle their children.

7. Abusing:  Perched atop a volcano of resentment, Abusing parents verbally or emotionally bully — or physically or sexually abuse — their children. When they’re enraged, Abusing parents view their children as threats and treat them accordingly.

8. Childlike :Feeling incapable or needy, Childlike parents offer their children little protection. Childlike parents, woefully uncomfortable with themselves, encourage their children to take care of them, thereby controlling through role-reversal.

In a survey of adults raised with unhealthy control, percentages who said:

As children they felt...

Forbidden to question or disagree with their parents: 90 percent

Pleasing their parents was more important than being themselves: 86 percent

Tense or on guard when their parents were around: 96 percent

That it was not okay to express anger, fear or sadness: 96 percent

Hemmed in and without choices: 96 percent

As adults they...

Feel perfectionist, driven, or rarely satisfied: 82 percent

Worry or ruminate over confrontations: 96 percent

Are easily angered around controlling people: 91 percent

Feel extra-sensitive to criticism: 91 percent

Feel tense when they think about visiting their parents: 78 percent

Feel that their parents don't really know them as they really are: 91 percent

Feel that it has taken a long time to separate from their parents: 82 percent

In retrospect, their parents...

Seemed unwilling to admit it when they were wrong: 100 percent

Seemed unaware of the pain they caused others: 100 percent

Viewed the world in right-or-wrong, black-and-white terms: 96 percent

Encouraged connections with others outside the family: 14 percent

Encouraged their children to express feelings: 5 percent

The lesson you should learn in order to be more understanding than your parents ever will,and not be like them but be your own person instead -
1) You Aren't Responsible For What Your Parents Did To You As a Child, They Are

2) You Are Responsible For What You Do With Your Life Now, Your Parents Aren't

Healing from growing up controlled has three steps:

Step One: Emotionally leaving home by separating from the hurtful aspects of your upbringing, parents and family role.Being able to make your own person and not be mere puppets you could land up being.Having your own personality and not reshaping oneself to be what they want us to be.

Step Two: Bringing balance to your relationship with your parents.This is a very difficult step to ensure oneself because accepting all the wrongs is what one never does.Its human nature to blame everything else but oneself for the wrongs in their life.Many a times,one is just too scared to initiate anything like this as it would mean a face to face confrontation about everything.We rather just bow down and make excuses and accept blindly.

Step Three: Redefining your life.This is very important,it may take years before one has redefined their purpose,their existence,their way of life.Its very hard to do but with the help of a good friend or partner or mentor,nothing can be impossible with a little perseverance,patience and the willingness to accept ones fault and go beyond one's mental reach to find themselves.

Jul 12, 2012


You must be wondering what the heck has she written about urine.Is it one the tests she had taken or some disease.

Actually yesterday some friend of my husband told him that eating camel meat stew is beneficial for people with muscle and bone problems and that very soon he would make me feast on it.I personally love camel meat,its tastier,lighter than beef,its just a beautiful meat but its a little more time to cook than the normal meat.So I thought why not find out the benefits of camel meat and while doing so,came across this article about camel urine benefits.

Don't go yuck people,I think in India,people bathe in cow urine when they have some skin infection.My brother and I did this as very small kids.We had been on a holiday to India and developed some skin eczema or chicken pox or measles....so as usual my granny said try this as well when the western medications failed.I know camel meat may not be available in India as commonly as out here but there is nothing wrong in knowing the benefits of something.

So here I go :

With regard to the health benefits of drinking the milk and urine of camels, they are many, and they are well known to the earlier generations of medical science and they have been proven by modern scientific research.

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

The author of al-Qanoon (the Canon) – i.e. the doctor Ibn Seena (Avicenna) – said:

The most beneficial of urine is the urine of Bedouin camels which are called najeeb.

In the Emirati newspaper al-Ittihaad (5 February 2006) it says:

One of the most important things for which camels are raised is their milk, which is efficacious in treating many illnesses, including hepatitis, and the digestive system in general, various types of cancer and other diseases.

There follows some of what was said in the article by Dr. Ahlaam, which was published in al-Da’wah magazine, 15 April 2004 :

Camel’s urine is efficacious in the treatment of skin diseases such as ringworm, tinea and abscesses, sores that may appear on the body and hair, and dry and wet ulcers.

Camel’s urine brings the secondary benefits of making the hair lustrous and thick, and removing dandruff from the scalp.

Camel’s milk is also beneficial in treating hepatitis, even if it has reached an advanced stage where medicine is unable to treat it.

Camel’s urine is also efficacious in the treatment of swelling of the liver and other diseases such as abscesses, sores that appear on the body and toothache, and for washing eyes.
Camel’s urine is beneficial in treating al-hazaaz, and it was said that al-hazzaz is a pain in the heart caused by anger and so on.

Camel’s urine, especially the urine of a young she-camel – is used as a cleansing substance to wash wounds and sores, to make the hair grow, to strengthen and thicken it and to prevent it falling out, and it is used to treat diseases of the scalp and dandruff.

In a Master’s thesis by an engineer in applied chemistry, Muhammad Awhaaj Muhammad, says:

Laboratory tests indicate that camel’s urine contains high levels of potassium, albuminous proteins, and small amounts of uric acid, sodium and creatine.

In this study, he explained that what prompted him to study the medicinal properties of camel’s urine was what he had seen of some tribesmen drinking this urine whenever they suffered digestion problems. He sought the help of some doctors in studying camel’s urine. They brought a number of patients and prescribed this urine for them, for a period of two months. Their bodies recovered from what they had been suffering from, which proves the efficacy of camel’s urine in treating some diseases of the digestive system.

Camel’s urine acts as a slow-acting diuretic, but it does not deplete potassium and other salts as other diuretics do, because camel’s urine contains a high level of potassium and proteins.

It has also been proven to be effective against some types of bacteria and viruses. It brought about an improvement in the condition of twenty-five patients who used camel’s urine for dropsy, without disrupting their potassium levels.{Dropsy/Edema: An old term for the swelling of soft tissues due to the accumulation of excess water. }

The doctors said that he examined the patients’ livers with ultrasound before the study began, and he found out that the livers of fifteen out of the twenty-five were in a cirrhotic state, and some of them had developed cirrhosis of the liver as the result of bilharzia. All of the patients responded to treatment with camel’s urine, and some of them continued, by their own choice, to drink a dose of camel’s urine every day for a further two months. At the end of that time, they were all found to have been cured of cirrhosis of the liver.

They suggested that the best type of camels for using the urine as a remedy are young camels.

Dr. Ahlaam al-‘Awadi, a specialist in microbiology in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, supervised some scientific papers that dealt with her discoveries in the usage of camel’s urine for medical treatment. During her supervision of the paper by Manaal al-Qattaan, she succeeded in confirming the effectiveness of using a preparation made from camel’s urine which was the first antibiotic produced in this manner anywhere in the world. Concerning the features of this new product, Dr. Ahlaam said:

It is not costly, and it is easy to manufacture. It can be used to treat skin diseases such as eczema, allergies, sores, burns, acne, nail infections, cancer, hepatitis and dropsy with no harmful side effects.

And she said:

Camel’s urine contains a number of healing factors such as antibiotics (bacteria that are present in it, salts and urea). The camel possesses an immune system that is highly equipped to combat funguses, bacteria and viruses, because it contains antibodies. It may also be used to treat blood clots and fibrinolytics may be derived from it, and it may be used to treat dropsy (which is caused by a deficiency in albumen and potassium, as camel’s urine is rich in both). Camel’s urine may also provide a remedy for abdominal complaints, especially those of the stomach and intestines, as well as asthma and shortness of breath. It caused a noticeable reduction in patients’ sugar levels. It is a remedy for low libido, and it aids in bone growth in children and in strengthening the heart muscles. It may be used as a cleansing agent for cleaning wounds and sores, especially the urine of young she-camels. It also helps the hair to grow and become strong and thick, and it helps to prevent hair loss and baldness, and can be used to treat dandruff. Camel’s urine may also be used to combat disease by using bacteria extracted from it.
Camel’s urine may also be used to treat the digestive system and to treat some cases of cancer. She stated that the research that she had undertaken on camel’s urine proved that it was effective in destroying micro-organisms such as fungus, yeast and bacteria.

Allah calls upon us to ponder the creation of the camel, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Do they not look at the camels, how they are created?”

This pondering is not limited to the outward form of the camel, or even to the inner workings of its body, rather it also includes that which we have discussed here, which is the benefits of the urine and milk of the camel.

Jul 11, 2012

Losing a baby!

It was one of the most dreadful things I have heard in my recent mature life.My good friend lost her a 6 day baby girl to God on Friday.I cannot imagine her sorrow,I cannot imagine her pain.

A couple of months ago she told me that her baby wasn't formed right and the doctors had told her that the baby wouldn't survive.She could pass away during birth or immediately after that.I remember that phone call and I cried so much that day.I can understand an older person passing away but a baby or a child? I tried to imagine or rather feel what my Friend was going through but it was beyond my grasp.

I kept thinking I could never handle the news at all.I questioned God's decision and plan for my friend over and over again.She told me she was meant to have this baby and she would give birth to her and hoped for the best till the very end.From that day onwards,I had a new respect for this woman and was so proud because now she was now a strong example to not just me but women around.She was a ver sensitive person and we wouldnt even try to spook her thinking she couldnt handle the surprise but she turned out to be the strongest of people I know.God bless her soul for being so brave throughout those 9 months.

I know of women who realise they are pregnant either out of wedlock or because they had one too many,so they just have the baby aborted.Many think that aborting a baby before 3 months of pregnancy cannot be counted as murder but the heart starts beating at 6 weeks.Women will refer to it as either "it" or a foetus or an embryo.Why would you do that? Coz it would otherwise personalise your baby and make it sound less human.Anyways,I personally am against abortion or triggered miscarriages.

I pray to God that such a test wouldn't be taken of anyone.I pray that women everywhere,when given an opportunity to have a baby,would respect such a gift of life and thus have healthy beautiful babies.I dreamt of being a mother since I was 13 and never got a chance to do so.But I have never wished the same for someone else coz being childless is one of the most painful experiences to go through.

Anyways,I loved these quotes,hope you do too:-

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. -Irma Bombeck

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for