Feb 20, 2012

Frustrations

As I sit by the window sill,


Iam reminded of -

The beautiful childhood I had,

Of the beautiful relationship I had with my siblings,

Of all the times we spent building houses out of bedsheets,

Of the time we shared our puddings and chocolates,

Of the time when we giggled watching padosan,

Of the time when we held each other through tears of scoring low grades,

Of the time when we couldn't contain our joy of receiving our Christmas gifts,

Of the time when our parents held us close because I had a fever,

Of the times when our favourite meal was prepared so we could take a from veggies.



As I sit by the window sill,

Iam reminded of the -

Time when a war broke out,

Of the time when not knowing my dad would make it was an issue,

Of the time my mom wanted me to grow up overnight so I could worry alongside,

Of the time when I was pushed into a hostel life to make a brighter future,

Of the time when I cried wondering why I had to live a life without being in the arms of my parents,

Of the time when I had to get good marks to avoid being scolded by the warden,

Of the time when I loved being at school with friends,

Of the time I hated my life coz the hostel food sucked big time,

Of the time when meeting up with my guardian was the biggest deal,

Of the times when holidays were awaited so badly,

Of the time when deciding for a future didn't mean much,

Of the time when being with your family even for a day was the ultimate wish,

Of the beautiful vacations I had at my nana's home,

Of the times when I fell in love for the first time,

Of the time when that love made up for everything I missed with my family.



As I sit by the window sill,

Iam reminded -

Of the time I started my grad school,

Of the time when I rejoined my siblings and had the best 3 years of my life,

Of the time when I made new friends who brought so much into my life,

Of the time when we had to sit through boring chem classes,

Of the time when we had to sit through stinky chem lab experiments,

Of the time when we had to dissect a cockroach,

Of the time sitting with all those friends in the building compound chattering away,

Of the time when we burnt more than midnight oil to cram for our exam papers,

Of the times when we watched blockbusters at theaters,

Of the time we ate at indo Chinese restaurants every weekend with friends and family,

Of the time when I graduated and prepared for another major phase of my life.



As I sit by the window sill,Iam reminded -

Of the time when I came into this foreign land with hopes and dreams,

Of the time when i couldn't find a decent job,

Of the time when my parents frustration became my nightmare,

Of the time when landing a good job and a good husband became a bane of my life,

Of the time when my frustrations were killing my soul,

Of the time when I was forced to give up on my true love,

Of the time when I didn't find any form of support from anyone,

Of the time when I had to suddenly grow up and be the "Oh so Strong" woman who doesn't seem weak to anyone,

Of the time when my overweight body became a daily argument at home,

Of the time when I resort to instant gratification to keep myself from going insane,

Of the time when being rebellious in the worst form meant standing up for myself,

Of the time when I loved being at work and preferred not to have any social life,

Of the time when being at work for 14 hours daily was much better than being at home.



As I sit by my window sill,Iam reminded -

Of that one person who supported me with constant calls,

Of that one person who stood at a distance and just spoke to me for hours,

Of that one person who would listen to all my sob stories and still find me amusing,

Of that person who I didn't actual have any feelings for but still was there for me,

Of that person who begged me to marry him even though I refused for an entire year,

Of that person who stood outside my window for hours just to catch a glimpse of me,

Of the person who saw me crying by my window,

Of the time when I wanted to kill myself,

Of the time when I just wanted to go back to India and never be back,

Of the time when every rejection of a proposal meant being taunted for days over my bad looks and luck.



As I sit on my window sill,Iam reminded -

Of the biggest decision I made in my life,

Of the time I got married,

Of the time when my parents hit me for it,

Of the time when I was disowned for good,

Of the time when I decided to go on with my life,

Of the time when I had my first major surgery within months of getting married,

Of the time when I sat all alone at the hospital with no one by my side but my supportive husband,

Of the time when I started fertility treatments,

Of the time when my behaviour was getting erratic and depressive,

Of the time I would cut myself regularly to ease my pain,

Of the time when my relationship with my husband was hanging at the end of a very thin rope,

Of the time when depression ruled my life and I would think of suicide every passing moment,

Of the time when I didn't have my mom to confide in,

Of the time when I was told I could never be pregnant,

Of the time when I felt all alone for years because no one got me.



As I sit by my window sill, Iam reminded of -

Of the time when my husband helped me out through the worst phase of my life,

Of the time when he smiled through every bullshit I put him through,

Of the time he kept telling me and still does,that there is more to life than having a baby,

Of the time when we decided to live our life with happiness ,rather than crying over baby issues and money issues.



As I sit by the window sill,Iam reminded of -

Of the time when my siblings came back into my life,

Of the times when,even though, I felt things could never ever be the same ,I hung onto it to have at least what was left of family,

Of knowing that I have been named the bad sheep,

Of the time,when it dawned on my mind again,that nothing could ever be the same.



As I sit by my window sill,I realise -

I cannot be weak,

I cannot sweat over things like this and ruin my sanity,

I can train myself to be a better person,

I can put my foot every time I feel I'm not been respected,

I can stand through every deceptive relationship,

Every pity friendship,

I should demand and command respect and accept nothing less,

I can kick out people who come and go as they see fit and not care who they walk over at times,

That I'm me and I'm in this world for a purpose and its all up to me,

as to who replenishes my life and soul and who just maims it.

Feb 19, 2012

Endless Pain


What would you do if someone you loved,hid you from the rest of the world coz they felt ashamed of you in some way.They loved you from the bottom of their heart but couldn't be seen with you.What if you were a secret,kept to save face and retain reputation.Is it still love if you cant be open about it? Is it still a relationship worth fighting for,if you have to hide at every gathering...if you cant be be part of a public life with them?


Should one still make things work because you don't have the guts to sever that last part of the loosening rope to your past and happy memories? What if so many lies had been said to keep the happy picture perfect appearance?

Who has been wronged - the people who dare taint a reputation they worked so hard to achieve over the years or the person who has been deemed wrong,bad,the eternal sad stain that has to be eradicated to make others seem righteous and true?

How can blood be any thicker than water...when that stain is your own blood !

Some life lessons are so hide to learn , some decisions are so hard to make...in the end....one has to kill himself ,over and over again,to earn the right to be ultimately respected.One of the choices that were made even though it threatened to destroy a part of one's soul forever.A decision which finally blocked the bits and pieces of love one received rarely now and then.



-An excerpt from the painful existence in one's corner of a wounded heart.

Feb 1, 2012

Bored

For the past 2 weeks and half,I have been going bored out of my mind.Since hubby is on endless duty timings,I tend to grow crazy and have no idea what to do.


Back in India,if I popped out of my flat,I could go downstairs and knew at least a dozen aunties and uncles sitting downstairs and wondering," Aah! Did we have to turn 60 so soon? "My point being you could start a conversation with nay Tom,Dick and Harry.The kids went crazy playing gutter gutter,Aldies were all too glad to have a time out from the daily routines and the great thing,people speaking in our language.Like the movies,out here,when you come across people who speak your language,you feel so happy to able to reconnect even if it means overhearing their conversations.You go,"Arey dekho ,wo India ki hai,wo Pakistan ke hain,arey wo punjabi me bath kar rahe hai,arey tulu me bath kar rahe hai,arey konkani speakers." But out here I'm surrounded by women who never come out of their flats.Most of them are arabs from other parts of the world.There is no playground nearby to walk in.

There are get togethers and what not of the communities out here but Im not aware of any of these.

There Are times when I wonder it would be simply fabulous to be India.I tell my hubby," If we were in India nah,we could go to some nearby area hours away and peek into villages and monuments and what not." He gives me that " Yeah right !" look whenever I say stuff like this.Out here we need to have a means of transport to any nearby place which is a pain in the ass problem coz out here to have to fulfill certain conditions to own a driver's licence.

I was speaking to my brother the other day and when he asked me to come his home on a taxi,I was shocked at my own words.I haven't travelled in a taxi for almost 8 years now and 10 years since I travelled in a bus.I wondered to myself when did I become so dainty or nazook to stop these minute little pleasure rides in my life.I think I have been over protected a bit too much for my sake.Oh ,how I loved to ride in buses.It would take such a long time to reach my destinations and I looked outside the window,thought about things I had no time to think otherwise.
 
My speakers weren't working for the past week and it was driving me crazy.I usually think myself to depression if one tiny thing isn't functioning well.Like when my washing machine broke down,all I did was change often,fill my laundry basket and worry about it piling away and how I cant wash my clothes immediately.Yes ! I wash almost 4 times a week.My rule being if I can see the clothes surfacing the basket,its time to wash.I know I'm a nutcase.Yesterday night,My hubby kept telling me," When you fret over one tiny thing,its the only thing you distract yourself over for days."I did want to punch his face but the man was telling the truth.
 
Finally I followed all the troubleshooting crap step by step and managed to fix it.And I have been playing songs the whole day now.When I'm alone,I turn the volume high of the television or the stereo,this way I'm surrounded by sound and I don't feel alone.
 
Back In India,if I knew the weekend would suck,I would find out which theater was playing a good movie and just go .It didn't matter if I had company or not,I could enjoy it both ways.Restaurants I don't go alone.I need to have some company.I went to "hao hao" and "hao ming" in mangalore very often and I loved the Indochinese food there.Out here good restaurants are very expensive to eat out weekly and plus my hubby makes this face and marrofies this dialogue," Yeh koi hotel hai.Isse acha khana to tum ghar me paka leti ho.Mene nahi khana." Its then I wish I can whack his head and dump him in the trunk of our car and go to the hotel.Its a compliment I know,but I don't mind eating crap outside,I just want a change from the walls of my home.
2 weeks have been like hell to me and I managed to suck a promise out of him to take me out to a nice restaurant when hes done with his emergency duty.That's whats holding a cracking me right now.
 
We lay in bed and I told him its been ages since I put on some makeup and dressed well and went out.He gives me this look," Tayar ho jao na,kisne mana kiya hai." And Im like," tayaar hoke muje line kaun marega? padosi ko bulaon kya? " and the bickering like a nutcase from me continues.The man works for 11 hours straight and still manages to peel in laughter at my drama,its amazing.I wonder how does he put up with me,he tells me "you are an anokha sample." How did your parents put up with you for 24 years and I tell him 14 years more and you will find your answer yourself.
 
I'm rambling right ! I'm,I know but I need to do so.I tried looking for  HD wallpapers,searched for online skill games to play with,tried reading updated blogs of friends, looked for activity on facebook ( Saala,jis din dekha chaho ,us din koi facebook pe nahi hota.)I had nothing to cook today coz I have to cook for myself only,and I don't want to eat.I have eating cabbage and rice for 3 days now.
 
I'm wearing this muffler round my neck coz I sprained it yesterday night.My pillow wasn't set right,hubby had the fan on and I was glued to the heater.Its like I'm in Antarctica and he lives on the Sun.He is sweating and I'm shivering all the time.And This muffler,Since I bought it,I always felt it was made from cat fur.Don't know why,its 8 years old and I feel I have a dead cat rolled around my neck.But it keeps me warm even though sometimes I have a fur ball down my throat.Should maybe slide it next to my hubby when he is sleeping.His eyes get all red shot and tears start rolling when there are dogs and cats around.
 
My legs are so skinny.Yeah ! I stretched them a while ago  and there they were.All my life people teased me because of them and called me chicken legs.Earlier I used to laugh at my own legs when people made fun of them but then you cant fight genetics right.My mom's side of the family have only chicken legs to spare.Its so weird nah...maybe if I was as thin as a stick they wouldn't look so bad.But I'm an ice cream cone like my brother calls me.
I told my hubby of this dream I had.Sujatha,I and Padma were in this ancient ancient mahal in Rajasthan and we kept wowing over all the stuff and decor.My hubby was like," Ji Rani ji,Is baar aap kya aur kahan thi?" He doesn't dream at all.( he claims.. but Im sure he dreams of things hes too ashamed to tell me..Ahem...Men will be men after all.)I started with some things and then I'm like,I had very very thick,ass length hair,I was slim and had this fantastic frilly  outfit with the right jewellery,the perfect chic bohemian style.( Yeah ! everything that I ain't In reality.)And he started lol-ing away.
 
My arms and fingers hurt.Before I get carpal tunnel syndrome ( I guess I already do have it) and this blog turns idiotically long,I better stop.

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