Life without Children

Another year has gone by...17+ to be exact and I'm still that woman without kids.

Ever since I was 13, I dreamt I would be a mom. An awesome mom. I was good with kids, loved children a lot and already set strategies to raise the best kids in the world. I wanted at least 2. 12 years later, I wasted no time in "Let's wait for a year, enjoy the freedom and then have kids." I straight away jumped into trying and now...have given up. Given up because I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago as my life would have taken a traumatic turn for the worse if I hadn't.

But for the 14 years that I had my uterus, I just hoped that someday maybe miraculously I would have my own baby, who I would love to bits. Walking past the baby shops and looking at those tiny clothes and gadgets...Even now I still walk into a store and hold baby clothes. I just bite my lip hard to avoid tearing up in public. Or stuffing a pillow in your dress and looking at the mirror thinking of endless possibilities and the beauty of life.

Some friends try to comfort me the best way they can. They don't know what it is to want a child but not able to have one. But I respect the fact they try to comfort me in any way they can, though it isn't even a bit reassuring. Some tell me, 
"Maybe something wouldn't have been right if you had one."
"God knows what's best for you!"
"Don't be upset. People with kids aren't happy either."
" Maybe God was protecting you from some misfortune in the future."

Then you have some people, who are clueless, downright rude and lost their marbles and say stuff like,
" Why haven't you had a baby? They are such a blessing you know."
" You should try this treatment and that...Nothing worked? Oh damn...."
" Does your husband want kids?"
" Are you those guys who aren't that keen?"
" You should have had at least one. Men don't wait around. What if he wants to remarry?"
" Kids bind the man to his wife. You got to care. He might lose interest in you eventually."
" You eloped and went for love marriage. You are being punished for it."

Then you have your mom say,
" Don't worry! It's not the end of the world. God has other plans."
And you see them showering gifts and love on their other grandchildren, while you stand in the corner and think about your unborn ones. 

Then you have your mother in law crying,
" I just want to see my son's baby before I die."
 " You don't know what a mother feels when she sees her son without kids."
" ( Sobbing ) When will God give me a chance to see my grandchild? I'm praying for you so much. You should pray harder. Maybe you aren't praying enough. say this and that prayer on your knees and God will definitely give."
" We will go to this baba and that baba and get this special thread and that will help you get pregnant."

Men, on the other hand, get a totally different questionnaire regarding this situation. My husband has been asked so many times to divorce and marry someone else and try having kids. Or get your wife checked and see what's wrong with her. 
Yeah!....(trying to remove the leaf stuck in my tooth) They get the harder part.

Nonetheless, they feel sad too. They go through the same emotions when they see others with their kids but this coding that has been done into them since birth, that men should not emote any feeling. So its tougher for them. ( Heart Attack alert!)

So, it's not easy. 

What Inspired this blog was this article I read on Bright Side. It brought me to tears. Why do others think you never tried? Why do people assume you didn't try a single treatment? Why do people think you sit year after year, not praying enough, not trying enough, not counting your fertile days enough, not having sex enough, not bringing God in your life enough, Not maintaining your body weight enough? 

Can anyone be more depressed than oneself, over not being able to be a parent? 


https://brightside.me/inspiration-girls-stuff/there-is-a-woman-30-no-children-a-staggering-article-about-how-blind-we-can-be-to-others-feelings-720010/?utm_source=fb_brightside&utm_medium=fb_organic&utm_campaign=fb_gr_brightside&fbclid=IwAR200OOcPCFVdzcckhzGx5wxX9-Dyv7o-4kgyO8_902SdggRuK6NWbjzk9c

Bright Side wants to share Nadirah’s blog that will move anyone who reads it.

Somewhere there is a woman: 30, no children. People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint. “Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration. “Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” the sage says before departing, happy with herself for imparting such erudite wisdom. The sage leaves. The woman holds her smile. Alone, she cries...

Cries because she’s been pregnant 4 times and miscarried every one. Cries because she started trying for a baby on her wedding night, and that was 5 years ago. Cries because her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children. Cries because she wants desperately to try in vitro but can’t even afford the deposit. Cries because she’s done in vitro (multiple rounds) and still has no children. Cries because her best friend wouldn’t be a surrogate. “It would be too weird,” she said. Cries because her medication prevents pregnancy.

Cries because her husband blames himself, and that guilt makes him a hard person to live with. Cries because all of her sisters have children. Cries because one of her sisters didn’t even want children. Cries because her best friend is pregnant. Cries because she got invited to another baby shower. Cries because her mother keeps asking, “Girl, what are you waiting for?” Cries because her in-laws want to be grandparents. Cries because her neighbour has twins and treats them terribly. Cries because 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying. Cries because she’s an amazing aunt. Cries because she’s already picked out names. Cries because there’s an empty room in her house. Cries because there is an empty space in her body. Cries because she has so much to offer. Cries because he’d be a great dad. Cries because she’d be a great mother, but isn’t.

Somewhere else there’s another woman: 34, 5 children. People say to her, “5? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And then they laugh... because those types of comments are funny. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another day. Alone, she cries... Cries because she’s pregnant with another and feels like she has to hide the joy. Cries because she always wanted a big family and doesn’t see why people seem so disturbed by it. Cries because she has no siblings and felt profoundly lonely as a child. Cries because her Granny had 12 and she’d love to be just like her.

Cries because she couldn’t imagine life without her children, but people treat her like they’re a punishment. Cries because she doesn’t want to be pitied. Cries because she and her husband are perfectly capable of supporting their family, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Cries because they assume she’s just irresponsible. Cries because she’s tired of the “funny” comments. Cries because she minds her own business. Cries because sometimes she doubts herself and wonders if she should have stopped 2 kids ago. Cries because people are rude. Cries because all she wants to do is live in peace.

Another woman: 40, one child. People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?” “I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. It’s pretty believable. No one would ever suspect that alone, she cries... Cries because her one pregnancy was a miracle. Cries because her son still asks for a brother or sister. Cries because she always wanted at least 3. Cries because her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life. Cries because her doctor says it would be “high-risk.” Cries because she’s struggling to care for the one she has.

Cries because her husband died and she hasn’t found love again. Cries because her family thinks one is enough. Cries because she’s deep into her career and can’t step away. Cries because her postpartum depression was so intense. Cries because she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries because she wants another baby, but can’t have it.

These women are everywhere. They are our neighbours, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their wombs are their own. Let’s respect that.

Do you agree with the author’s opinion, that we shouldn’t ask people these questions?

#nochildren  #notpregnant   #childless   #infertililty