14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat.
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
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